Sunday, March 21, 2010
Today I am extremely stressed. My youngest child, a very handsome young man of 21, is struggling emotionally. I'm not in the mood or at liberty to discuss my son's circumstances or the details of the day, PLUS I'm trying mightily since joining SP to concentrate on MY circumstances.
As weird/foreign/illogical as this might seem to some - when I get stressed I don't eat or move. I liken my defenses to a pill or sow bug - when I'm powerless to help my most precious child help himself I emotionally and physically roll up into a protective ball and wait out the impending threat.
Today I've yet to eat or do anything else the least productive and it's soon to be 1:00pm. Indeed I am still in my pajamas and have no thoughts and feelings other than an overwhelming sense of panic. My son has been diagnosed with bipolar schizoaffective disorder and while my husband and I are working and living in China I am back in the US trying to help our son help himself while my husband lives alone doing his part to finance lawyers, psychologists, psychiatrists, hospital stays, emergency room visits, medications, extra flights home, etc. To some degree I have been fighting for my son's life now going on three years. Which has given me precious little time to make the effort to take care of myself.
I "get" how fundamentally wrong it is to ignore my needs and yet I would so give up my life for my children if it meant saving them. But there's no reasoning with an unreasonable, there's no helping someone that doesn't grasp (and is in full-out denial) they're in need of help.
And, then there's MY denial...to be self-sacrificing, to the point of risking my precious good health, even for my own child, is unreasonable on so many levels. I don't know where I'm headed with all this, but I am determined to make myself a priority today, and that means getting dressed, planning my meals, and moving - it's the ONLY thing I've any control over at this time.