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    KIYOSHI04   60,921
SparkPoints
60,000-79,999 SparkPoints
 
 

another off day. completely off. as in the wagon ran me over.


Friday, March 19, 2010



got up late after ANOTHER night of nightmares. this would be the third in a row, the second where ive woken up on the verge of crying.
so no working out for me this morning.

i went shopping with my mom. i got to her house at 9.30 exactly and i got back home tonite at 5.15 this evening. LONG day!! i walked in limping. i have a cut on my foot that ive been hoping will get better but it hasnt. currently, i can see down to the third layer of skin. and it hurts. so i soaked it and got on socks, ready to work out and thennnnnnnnnnnnn............. the boyfriend called and said he would be home this evening after all. so i used that as an excuse to not work out.
truth is, i didnt need to work out today. but i find myself more and more saying "you dont need to work out."

today was the olive garden, courtesy of my mom. thank you mom. my mom wanted an appetizer.. this in addition to the salad and breadsticks. right. it all goes back to the same issues.
*i never get full
*i love food

i had two or three breadsticks.. not sure. i feel like i had two. salad. two slices of the flatbread appetizer she ordered. and my entire thing of fettuccini alfredo. oh, and two glasses of water. when i walked out, i easily could have eaten a ton more. and im not exaggerating. i EASILY could have eaten another entree of the pasta, more salad. more breadsticks. most of the time i stop eating due to embarrassment rather than being full.

when i got home it was an all out binge due to being overly tired and mad at myself for not working out. the good thing is it is out of my system. and, im probably only about 500 calories over spark range.
i didnt track. i normally dont track on fridays anyways.

right. so, i was extremely pissed off this morning when i weighed in at 229. bastard scale.

ive been thinking about something... on one of the spark polls, there is a question. is it the food or eating?
how do you separate that? i mean.......... for me, maybe it is both? i dont know. i know that today, after i got home, it was about the food. i wanted the single serve sundae i had gotten. i wanted the chocolate in it. i wanted the doritos. and then realized that it didnt taste good at all so duncan ate most.
but the other night, it was about the eating. i just wanted to eat.
i guess i dont know.

i think for me it is probably the three things... never being full, hunger and eating. i dont know. why is it so hard? why did i get so damn fat to begin with? will i ever know? do i really hate myself?

i do know that even though i am more pleased with my weight, i hate how i look still. goodness sakes, i am so incredibly fat still. i still feel like someone should be following me saying boom bobba boom bobba boom.
i dont want to feel like this any more. i dont want to look like this. how did i ever think i was just chubby at 284? at 229 today i felt like i should have my own zip code. whatever fatty is on the telephone dial. 32889 thats my zipcode.

lots of bad thoughts tonite. i dont know. i gotta get out of this fat suit. this isnt me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
AQUATONIC 3/20/2010 11:02AM

  Its good that you are hard on yourself - *applause* thats the juice that fuels our workouts.

BUT!! be nice to my you - while you are driving that whip ok?

No sound effects. :) You are a hard working muscle working machine, that can go for hours.

I know all too well those moments of insatiable eating. WANT WANT WANT - it overrides our want to be thinner... in fact.. not just overrides, but erases all signs of existence.

and by the way *cough* 229 --- I am dreaming of 229... I would be doing naked jumping jacks in front of a mirror at that weight and then grinning at all the wonderful parts of my body.

Right now.. I do one jumping jack and then stop.. and my body continues on and does another 4 of them for me all on its own....


I hope your foots ok. If I was there, we'd be going for a pedicure soon.

Mwah. Hugs. Keep on soldier. Through all the ups and downs, you are all over this!



Comment edited on: 3/20/2010 11:02:37 AM

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RUSSELLORAMA 3/20/2010 10:58AM

    Please, if you can, have a medical professional look at that cut on your foot. The last thing you want is a nasty infection spreading through your body and totally putting you down for the count. You have done SOOOO amazing this year despite all that depo did to you.

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STARRPARENT 3/20/2010 10:14AM

    Dee - first of all STOP being so hard on yourself! Look at me. I was down to 206. Freakin' 206 and I weighed the other day and I was 264! You gained your weight back due to the Depo shot. Not because you slacked on exercise or food choices. You have NO reason to be upset with yourself!

Secondly, you've already said you've lost about 25 lbs. for 2010. THAT IS AMAZING! You hear me? Amazing!

Thirdly, your poor little body deserves a day off. Regardless if you meant for it to happen. It needs to recuperate to build itself up.

Lastly - who doesn't go to the Olive Garden and pig out and says that they're still not hungry? Olive Garden is my favorite place to eat. I love love love it! It's OK I think once and a while to indulge. And being with your mom makes it better.

You are such a wonderful person. You deserve all the best. And you will get it. I know you will.

Bridget emoticon

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DRUSILLA56 3/19/2010 10:18PM

    HON, THE BREAD, OR CARBS, MAKE US HUNGRY.
THEN THEY TURN TO STARCH, WHICH IN TURN, TURNS INTO SUGAR. SO IT GOES.WHITE BREADS ARE THE WORST. WHITE ANYTHING ISN'T GOOD FOR US. I LOVE WHITE BREAD, GO FIGURE.
I TOO LOVE FOOD. SO I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO WHAT YOUR SAYING ABOUT EATING THE FOOD. IT'S LIKE ONCE I START I CAN'T STOP.
THEY SAY ON SP, THAT SALTY, OR SUGAR SNACKS SET THE APPETITE OFF. WELL WHEN I EAT SUGAR IT FOR SURE WORKS ON ME BAD.HA.
SO I JUST HAVE TO START OVER EACH TIME I FALL LIKE THAT. LEARN FROM IT AND PRAY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. I STRUGGLE WITH EXERCISE- ALOT! WHEN I DO IT I LOSE. WHEN I DON'T I GAIN.LOL.
HANG IN THERE... emoticon

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