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another off day. completely off. as in the wagon ran me over.

Friday, March 19, 2010

got up late after ANOTHER night of nightmares. this would be the third in a row, the second where ive woken up on the verge of crying.
so no working out for me this morning.

i went shopping with my mom. i got to her house at 9.30 exactly and i got back home tonite at 5.15 this evening. LONG day!! i walked in limping. i have a cut on my foot that ive been hoping will get better but it hasnt. currently, i can see down to the third layer of skin. and it hurts. so i soaked it and got on socks, ready to work out and thennnnnnnnnnnnn............. the boyfriend called and said he would be home this evening after all. so i used that as an excuse to not work out.
truth is, i didnt need to work out today. but i find myself more and more saying "you dont need to work out."

today was the olive garden, courtesy of my mom. thank you mom. my mom wanted an appetizer.. this in addition to the salad and breadsticks. right. it all goes back to the same issues.
*i never get full
*i love food

i had two or three breadsticks.. not sure. i feel like i had two. salad. two slices of the flatbread appetizer she ordered. and my entire thing of fettuccini alfredo. oh, and two glasses of water. when i walked out, i easily could have eaten a ton more. and im not exaggerating. i EASILY could have eaten another entree of the pasta, more salad. more breadsticks. most of the time i stop eating due to embarrassment rather than being full.

when i got home it was an all out binge due to being overly tired and mad at myself for not working out. the good thing is it is out of my system. and, im probably only about 500 calories over spark range.
i didnt track. i normally dont track on fridays anyways.

right. so, i was extremely pissed off this morning when i weighed in at 229. bastard scale.

ive been thinking about something... on one of the spark polls, there is a question. is it the food or eating?
how do you separate that? i mean.......... for me, maybe it is both? i dont know. i know that today, after i got home, it was about the food. i wanted the single serve sundae i had gotten. i wanted the chocolate in it. i wanted the doritos. and then realized that it didnt taste good at all so duncan ate most.
but the other night, it was about the eating. i just wanted to eat.
i guess i dont know.

i think for me it is probably the three things... never being full, hunger and eating. i dont know. why is it so hard? why did i get so damn fat to begin with? will i ever know? do i really hate myself?

i do know that even though i am more pleased with my weight, i hate how i look still. goodness sakes, i am so incredibly fat still. i still feel like someone should be following me saying boom bobba boom bobba boom.
i dont want to feel like this any more. i dont want to look like this. how did i ever think i was just chubby at 284? at 229 today i felt like i should have my own zip code. whatever fatty is on the telephone dial. 32889 thats my zipcode.

lots of bad thoughts tonite. i dont know. i gotta get out of this fat suit. this isnt me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Venting is good for the inner monologue, say what you need to in order to get through the journey, cause it isn't an easy one.
    Mistakes will be made, changes are happening (good and bad, maintainable and detrimental), things will improve. Trust in the process. Sending positive thoughts your way.
    2893 days ago
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