Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I've never had nice legs. I want nice legs though, so badly I don't really want to think what I'd be willing to do to get them. But yesterday, walking out of the locker room I had to come face to face with the ugly truth yet again as I passed in front of that god awful full length mirror: I have awful legs. My calves are too big to fit in knee high boots, even though they are very toned. My knees have become what I affectionatly call "butt knees" because the skin is very loose and flabby around them, which has become worse the more weight I lose. My thighs are dimpled with cellulite and plighted by the occasional vericose and spider vein. No matter how hard I've been working over the past two years to improve my body and my health, it seems my legs are not cooperating in the least. Things only get worse as the weather starts to warm up and my concealing full-length workout pants become more and more obvious as a band-aid rather than a fashion statement. I feel like a very pretty and good looking person from the navel up, but the rest of me seems monstrous. And what kills me is that I have never been "THAT" overweight. I look at pictures of people who had 100lbs on me at my heaviest and now that they've dropped the weight they look like whole new people. And I did my research on them to see if they had surgery to remove excess skin--the ones I felt looked really good had not. I'm having a very hard time loving this body right now, and I know that there will be plenty of comments of encouragement and also telling me just how much I need to be kinder to myself and love my body the way it is. But I can't love these legs right now. And what's more is that I just don't believe anymore that I can get them to look any better. No matter how much more weight I lose. I am not quitting, I'm too healthy now to go back. But, knowing that as hard as I have and will work that it still won't do what I desperately need it to--knowing also that I'll never have the money to fix it--it really makes me heartsick at the moment.
I'm sorry that this blog is so awful. If I can't get into a better frame of mind, I may have to take a break from blogging just so I don't depress the whole site!