Am I having my mid-life crisis or an Epiphany? ;0)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I will be 46 on Wed. and I have had alot of changes occur in my life, but getting out from under 'Blue' and the financial worry that was becoming a daily part of being an owner/operator has a two-fold emotional factor for me. Relief that now the  worry of 'what will break down next' is gone or 'will there be any loads today?' is over, is a cleansing feeling. But there is true sadness in me.....we are closing another chapter in our lives. I LOVE trucking! I always have since Dave started driving 31 years ago and he would stop by the house and let me sit in his truck! I would wait for him to honk when he would drive by and get on Steve's base CB and talk to him until he was out of range!  I look back into my crazy life and i see just how interwoven my life has always been with Daves ever since he first came over on King when i was 6 yrs old. I was infatuated then and headover heels in love now! I loved watching  'Smokey and the Bandit', 'Movin' On', and 'BJ and the Bear'!  Lmbo. And the reason is......... Dave!  What a gift to have my life come full circle. Because of my wonderful parents, I got to travel to 44 states, plus Canada and Mexico before I was 18!  I still love roadtrips and camping will always be my first love! Now things are changing again......
Alot of you laugh at me because I am so squishy and emotional. (it's ok though, I laugh at myself sometimes too :0)))) But I finally like me! I like that I cry for strange reasons! I like that I can talk to complete strangers and leave them with a smile on their face! I like that the fact that I can go thru my phone contacts and know if I get scared or paniced that I can call almost anyone on my list for help and you all would say,'what can I do?' I like making a difference, but I can feel all of this because I finally like me! It has taken years to get here! Grade school and high school were very traumatic to me and it is a shame it has taken me this long to figure out that all the negativity from then should have been shrugged off my shoulders the night of graduation and never thought of again!  How insane to believe all the horrible things that were said to me back then and have it cripple me so badly! I was different in so many ways and certain people just would not let me forget that! Now I take pride in my querks!  I remember going to Speakeasy one night and towards the end of the night a guy I knew from gradeschool approached me. He asked me to dance, but didn't lead me to the dance floor. We went towards a corner where no one could see us and danced there. I thought it romantic at the time!  He started coming over to my house often and we became friends w/benefits. I really liked him, but I started to realize that we never went anywhere. I asked him one night if he wanted to do something like a movie or a dinner.......he looked me straight in the eyes and said 'Kay, you're a great piece of a**, but this is Clinton County! People know you and they know me. I can't afford to have my reputation ruined by being seen with you in public!!' A piece of me died that night......I told him to get his s*** and get out! I didn't have any self confidence or self worth left. My first husband had beat and demoralized me and now this!!  I knew something had to be radically wrong with me!! Why wasn't I worth loving........at least that is what I used to believe! Now.....I like me!   Lol. I treat people like I want to be treated and this works for me now!  I live my life with no regrets, I surround myself with family and true friends (with facebook it is so easy now), I stay as optimistic as I can, I love with all of my heart and I am starting to respect myself and this body God has loaned to me. I found out yesterday that I now have Glaucoma too. I felt almost a slight thump on my forhead (reality check) from God saying 'my child, it is time to start taking care of you'. Taking care of me........what a concept!  How many of us don't? How many of us keep saying tomorrow? Tomorrow I will exercise, I will start that diet, I will read that book, smell that flower, use the good dishes! Craziness!!!!!!  I am not being selfish if I chose to do something for me!!!  I have a God given right to take care of me first and in doing so I can take better care of my family, friends and my interests. My hearts desire! I am worth and so are each of you!! 
I think I am reaching my mid life crisis or having an epiphany!  Lol. Either way, it is changing my way of thinking! And it is all for the better!  I have to become more accountable in every aspect of my life......one day at a time, hell, if it has to be, one minute at a time! I have hurt some people in the past and I want to say I am sorry to each of you. I am starting off with a clean plate after I post this. I will refuse to let my negative past influence or direct my future anymore. I am taking back control of my life! WOW!!  How empowering just writing those words down!!
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