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    NAYNAY69   44,958
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Every Journey starts with that first step...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This is my first blog since my last one on 10/26/1009. That blog was the beginning of my weight gain. It was the end of a great year where I had lost 30 pounds. Not only did I fall off the wagon, then I seemed to jump into the deep abyss! I went from 192.6 that week at the end of October to 218.3 by this week the beginning of March 2010.

Ever try to hide from your self? Under layers of fat? Ever eat so much that the food doesn't even really taste good anymore or you really don't remember what actual hunger pangs feel like anymore? Ever replace entire meals with candy bars for days at a time?

But for some reason THAT CRAVING remains. The craving for something I couldn't identify. The cigarettes I gave up almost 3 years ago? I contributed a lot of it to that because I was being exposed to second hand smoke. I was also under a lot of stress that I didn't have control over. I like having CONTROL! I had came off of some of my meds because I felt that it was time to like the welbutrin.

I have been having episodes that I can only describe as anxiety attacks? Sudden attacks where I feel paralysed by extreme fear/anxiety my heart will race and I want to cry and I feel scared and like my by best friend has died all at once, like the most terrible thing in the world is about to happen?! It only last about 2 mins but it feels like an eternity sitting there trying to deep breath through it and not understanding why or how to make it go away or not come back.

Feb. 27 would of been my grand-sons 2nd birthday. April 13 will be his death anniversary. He died when he was 6 weeks old and I just can't let it go still. Of course it is better now than it was then but still the wound feels so fresh like it was still just yesterday. Holidays still get me. He never even saw his first Christmas and so many others.....

The weight gain has also made me swell more, more short winded to move around, more tired and with these episodes.... I am trying to get back on my diet this week. I am going back to stage one and making my plan. I did really good the last 2 days and yesterday actually walked 23 mins and did my stretching routine. It felt really good!

One day at a time!

I have taken the first step, again....
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HORSESX4 7/15/2012 2:37PM

    Sorry for your pain..I know to well about the anixety attacks. That is my dream to also be under 200 pounds. I am so proud of you and all of your goals that have been met. emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 3/10/2010 2:25PM

    You have been through a lot. My prayers are with you. Take it a day at a time. emoticon

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LYNN1113 3/10/2010 8:00AM

    You can do it, NAYNAY69! I just "rejoined" Sparks and am starting over. Not as much for weight, but for changing my lifestyle. I had returned to making bad choices in my eating and lifestyle habits and came back to the decision of healing myself! Nervous eating, bad sleeping habits, and terrible food choices but me into a "funk" that I cannot live with. I have 2 teenagers that I know need me, and as I move into my 50's, I realize that the only control I have, is to live a healthy, balanced, life. It's so hard when life throughs you a "wrench" that you weren't expecting. I know I've had quite a few! And it sounds like you have, too. But know, that we are all here to help each other with positive "tools" to keep us all going the right path! We can do it together! You can do it! emoticon

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MAJA0123 3/10/2010 7:57AM

    GREAT job on taking the first step!! it always starts with just a step at a time... and i used to volunteer for a non-profit that helps families with loss of a child www.irisremembers.com it's a great site to find comfort.. Be blessed.. emoticon

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LVNG4ME 3/10/2010 7:54AM

    You may want to try something other than welbutrin. I had terrible side effects from taking that years ago. It made me very emotional. I would cry at the drop of a hat. No kidding. It was awful. I think once you become determined to make healthier choices a lifestyle change, you will see your emotions, your energy levels etc.. all start to improve. You have to be committed to making the changes necessary to make it happen. Once you have done that, your on your way. It is so worth it. YOU are worth it. If you need support, let me know. I will do my best. We are all in this together. emoticon

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