Wednesday, March 10, 2010
This is my first blog since my last one on 10/26/1009. That blog was the beginning of my weight gain. It was the end of a great year where I had lost 30 pounds. Not only did I fall off the wagon, then I seemed to jump into the deep abyss! I went from 192.6 that week at the end of October to 218.3 by this week the beginning of March 2010.
Ever try to hide from your self? Under layers of fat? Ever eat so much that the food doesn't even really taste good anymore or you really don't remember what actual hunger pangs feel like anymore? Ever replace entire meals with candy bars for days at a time?
But for some reason THAT CRAVING remains. The craving for something I couldn't identify. The cigarettes I gave up almost 3 years ago? I contributed a lot of it to that because I was being exposed to second hand smoke. I was also under a lot of stress that I didn't have control over. I like having CONTROL! I had came off of some of my meds because I felt that it was time to like the welbutrin.
I have been having episodes that I can only describe as anxiety attacks? Sudden attacks where I feel paralysed by extreme fear/anxiety my heart will race and I want to cry and I feel scared and like my by best friend has died all at once, like the most terrible thing in the world is about to happen?! It only last about 2 mins but it feels like an eternity sitting there trying to deep breath through it and not understanding why or how to make it go away or not come back.
Feb. 27 would of been my grand-sons 2nd birthday. April 13 will be his death anniversary. He died when he was 6 weeks old and I just can't let it go still. Of course it is better now than it was then but still the wound feels so fresh like it was still just yesterday. Holidays still get me. He never even saw his first Christmas and so many others.....
The weight gain has also made me swell more, more short winded to move around, more tired and with these episodes.... I am trying to get back on my diet this week. I am going back to stage one and making my plan. I did really good the last 2 days and yesterday actually walked 23 mins and did my stretching routine. It felt really good!
One day at a time!
I have taken the first step, again....