Sunday, March 07, 2010
I don`t know if consequence of the stress i've been going through lately or me being an emotional eater but I AM REALLY STRUGGLING LATELY WITH MY DIET. i get anxiety just thinking of it and when i come to track my food and it`s mid day and i`ve already eaten over 1000 calories i`m a nervous wreck. i don`t know what is happening to me but i feel like i`m loosing my mind over this obsession to be thin and this addiction i have to food. I really believed when i started this new year i had won the battle and now i realize it truly is a problem deeper then lbs deeper then portion control...well i knew it but i guess its even deeper and more disturbing then i thought!!!!...... I remember when i started last year to loose the weight thinking when i get to 145 i will love my body and feel so much better about myself. i think in some way.....i felt better in my skin at 200 then i do now.
In the processes of loosing weight i was falling in love with myself again and so loving the new Irene...i was slowly gaining control of my life again and overcoming obstacles and doing things i never thought i could do. I don`t know if it was all too much too soon but i`m very drained and anxious when it comes to taking care of me these last 2 or so months....its truly a big effort and tiring. it was easy being 200+lbs i didn`t have to be accountable but now its another story people r looking to me for inspiration and constantly checking me out when the see me. The gym i work out at asked me last week for before and after pics of me...you would think i`d be flattered by that i was partially but mostly i was like i can`t find any nice after pics...my expectations went up another notch and i was beginning to wonder can i truly be that poster girl for his campaign he is running at the gym (biggest looser program) i`m telling u since he`s asked i`ve been eating like no tomorrow and sabotaging everything i`ve worked hard for. I NEED TO GET A GRIP & every meal i tell myself its a new meal, a new day...u know what u have to do, don`t sweat it...yet my motions don`t want to listen to all that logic. in just one week i went up on the scale approx 4-5lbs. i had said good bye to the 140`s now this morning i weighed in @ 142...i`m so angry with myself but yet i`m like hungry all the time and all hormonal....anyone else ever feel this anxiety at this point in the weight loss journey. You know the other day i bought a box of thinsations bars both in chocolate and cheesecake....i ate the 2 boxes in two days....whats the use of 100 calorie snack when u end up eating the whole box. I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF. I find these 5lbs i gained really show and had such a hard time getting dressed today....i found myself to be very self-conscious and all of this is making me extremely sad. I have a daughter and i want to lead a good example and be a role model but what am i saying about myself and teaching her if i can't love my body and celebrate my curves.... It`s the flab & cellulite that gets to me really but whatever my self consciousness is all about....i'm beginning to think its really unhealthy...in just a few months i went from being proud to extremely self-conscious i wonder why???
Anyhow...i could go on and on but ya i`d love to hear from u all and see if there r others that can relate and have overcome....truly overcome their addiction, emotional eating.