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Being honest with myself and I Need HELP

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Lately I've been in a battle. A battle with myself and weight, my thoughts, my emotions. How being 190 makes me feel. I remember dates in my life by weight. I graduated high school at 135, found out I had over active thyroid 148 got married (10-10-08) at 165, now I'm 190. A LOT of that deals with that I'm an emotional eater. I've moved away from my family and friends, everything I knew to be with my husband. Not one fiber in me is regretting that or anything. that was the best thing I ever did. Just wanting to state that and put that out there.

I've been wanting to work out again and more lately. Although I feel as if it's hopeless. I NEVER lose more than 5-10 pounds and the 10 is like only happened once in the past two years and gained it RIGHT back. It's so hard for me to keep going when I don't see results.

YES I know it's for the health, it's to feel better, it's for me and not about numbers. But losing weight should be about losing some amount. I'm so freaking tired of my thighs rubbing, boob sweat, me looking over and over at myself in the mirror how a shirt will fit me and if it's a tad to small...goes into a drawer and who knows when it will be shown again.

I know it won't happen over night, I know it won't. I know that it took months to put on and so will take longer to take off. But I've worked out three months for EVERY day just about (5 days a week) and only lost 4-5 pounds. At that point I just feel like I'm on a treadmill and never going to reach my goal. I feel like it's endless and only kidding myself.

My lovely husband says and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. Yet I want to feel sexy. I want to be excited to get dressed instead of hating and dreading it b/c it's a matter of.."well what will fit me today". It's depressing and hard to get by that.

I need to do this for me, I need to do this for me emotionally and yet to loose weight. I would say my goal weight is 150 but right now I feel that will never happen. I feel like it's just so far away. I know a lot of my weight is in my thighs and stomach. Although my stomach is always the first to tone as well as my outer thighs. It's those stupid areas that's hard to reach.

I'm sitting here at the computer trying not to be nervous for a zumba class that I'm going to tonight with a friend. She just asked me to go and yet I'm nervous? why am I nervous? B/c I may look dumb? B/c I have to wear spandex so I don't get a rash from my thighs, what is it? b/c of I may get a work out and love it? B/c I may be bad at it? Yet as I type this I'm fighting tears.

I'm honestly tired of being like this but NO idea how to change it. I have people that support me yet I feel as if I don't. I know they do but it's so hard to keep going b/c I find I'm always the cheerleader but when I need it the most, no one is there cheering or they get tired of me thinking it's going no where. When I feel that way at times my husband just thinks I'm being crazy and obsessive and I just should keep on with it. Well your a man and it's easier for you to lose weight, which I hate.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this but I think I needed to for me, to be honest with myself and be able to face everything. I have to, I need to.

Although I did do some things today with my bender ball, that's a good start right?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I hope you had fun at your class. I, too, moved away from my friends and family to be with my wife. It is difficult, but I don't regret a moment of it. However, I do miss them at times and wish that they were here at different moments. In my opinion, you are taking the right steps and are getting yourself in the right line of thought.
    2856 days ago
    Never give up on yourself, you can do it!
    2895 days ago
    girlfriend, sorry to hear how you're feeling but you know...sometimes we have to be our own cheerleader. i'm here most of the time.....just shout so i can hear ya and i'll get back ASAP. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2902 days ago
    You are seeing results! You are dropping weight! You are making some changes!

    It seems like it takes forever for the weight to come off. I've lost about 5 pounds since October. Realistically I know I'm not doing everything I could/should be, but I'm convinced that I'm doing more than 1 pound a month worth of work on my diet and exercise. My body disagrees with me, and unfortunately the body rules. That doesn't mean I stop trying, I just have to try that much harder to reach my goal.

    You are working against your thyroid, so you have an additional challenge. Talk to your doctor about what your options are, try to get your thyroid under control.

    2910 days ago
    Are you logging everything you eat? Are you eating lots of veggies, some fruits, lean meat? Staying away from processed foods? You might want to recheck these things. I find I lose best when I KISS. emoticon "Keep it Simple Sweetie" The sodium and preservatives don't help you lose. Hang in there slow is better, it shows you are making changes that will last. Hope this helps. We're all here cheering for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2910 days ago
    emoticon I can totally relate to your emotional struggles, my fellow Ruby-Lite. I wrote a very similar blog post yesterday, but as someone posted earlier, you have taken one small step towards your goals just by posting this blog. Something I am learning on two teams that are helping with my emotional eating is that those of us who struggle need to express our feelings, not eat them, and a blog post is the perfect place to start. Here is another big hug, and I am proud of you for going to the Zumba class - a lot of times the real victory is doing something afraid, fear is there, but we do it anyway - that is empowering! Just keep taking small steps, I know you can do it!
    emoticon emoticon
    2910 days ago
    Don't give up, and the reason you wrote all that is because venting and putting it in writing gives you perspective. I just don't know why but It's just makes it that much more real, post more often :D And I agree it really really sucks that men lose the weight faster, so annoying! lol
    2910 days ago
  • THEONE909
    Yes, you are off to a great start...Keep up the good work....

    2910 days ago
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