Monday, March 01, 2010
I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write today, but I know I want to acknowledge the second anniversary of my son's death. First of all, to my many Spark friends & teammates, thank you for your caring & support!
When Scott was killed two years ago, my life changed in such a way that I will never be the same. I still go to grief counseling with a private therapist two or three times a month. Having "Dr Jenn's" ear, and her support, has been a Godsend. I can say all the selfish, angry, bitter thoughts that sometimes fill my mind, and be honest about the dark feelings that can still overwhelm me at any moment (like hearing a fragment of a song).
However, what struck me this past week, leading up to this heart-breaking "anniversary," is the difference between last year and this; both in how I feel, and how my precious daughter feels, and in the plans we made together.
Last year, DD Aubrey & SIL Mike left town, unable to be present near where Scott died or with others grieving him too. They spent that anniversary week hiking and climbing in the Santa Barbara mountains; on February 27th, they spread some of Scott's ashes at his favorite spot there (more details & a photo in my blog from that time). This year, while the pressure was still great, there was no plan to or talk of going away again.
Last year, me going with DD & SIL wasn't an issue; my disabilities keep me from doing most physical activities, let alone the kind of walking needed to get up in those mountains. Besides, I wanted to be with Scott's neighbors, on his street, near his home, near where he fell to his death. This desire of wanting to be connected also led me to initiate a most healing encounter with the owners of the kitten Scott climbed to rescue.
This year, without us specifically planning to do so, was a time of being together, enjoying each other's company, and going out and doing... LIVING. My thoughts throughout Saturday, February 27th, often went to Scott.
I'd raise my eyes up towards Heaven, and think: "This is for YOU, Scott! I'm out of the house, with other people, doing the activities I used to enjoy. I'm living my life again, and in doing so, I am celebrating YOUR life." (His love & caring & enthusiasm & kindness & laughter & joy & sacrifice & leadership - how Blessed I am to have had him in my life for 28 years!) I said, "Scott, you don't have to worry about me anymore."
I honestly don't know what difference there will be between the 1-year-&-364-days and the 2-years-&-1-day time frames. I wondered all last week, in the dreadful anticipation of the 27th, what can change with just that 48 hours difference. This time, however, when I made my shopping lists, it was ME who went to the store to food shop and run other errands, not my DH (who has stepped in and helped immensely).
I had also called DD and invited her to go with me on Saturday to a local community theater's musical comedy revue. The actually-going-part was, as usual, a HUGE challenge - but WE did it. She nudged me and I buoyed her, and we had a wonderful time. As former Theatre majors in college, she and I share a love of the production; with this adventure, we reconnected in a way - filled with joy - that we haven't in quite some time.
SO, my dearest Scott, I treasure every moment I had with you, and I still feel your love. I see you in many aspects of my current life, and I miss you every single day. I will remember you always, and look forward to seeing you again.
Love from your Mom, Elizabeth~