Sunday, February 28, 2010
Well... in a couple hours February will be over and March will be here. What have I done with my 2 months to move me toward my health and fitness goals, and my other goals?
1) I've been sort of watching what I'm eating. When I actually eat healthy, my weight loss reflects it. The trouble is, I'm only eating well about half the time. The other half of the time I do a fairly crappy job. If I track what I eat, I do much better. And I'm still not sure if I'm eating too many or too few calories - when I'm doing what I plan on doing, that is. In actuality, I'm eating just enough or more. It's hard because I'm still nursing.
2) I have not been working out - doh! I started strong, but then I got busy and stressed and threw in the towel. I was using the Wii Active and doing those exercises. And I know it's terrible to say, but it was annoying having to move the coffee table and rug out of the way. And I hate exercising at night, because I want to relax. But in the morning I have to nurse and everything.
But I bought a sports bra - another reason I hated working out was my chest was bouncing too much. And new workout pants - my other workout pants kept falling down while I was exercising. So... I guess I'm getting some excuses out of the way.
My husband set up the exercise bike downstairs, and we have DVR, so I can ride and watch TV and it goes by quickly. But again - too lazy to go downstairs. And there are ceiling tiles and garbage in the way. I swear, he kept that basement straightened for about 3 days.
This is boring, and my baby has been screaming since I started writing this.
What else have I been doing???
3) Working on qualifying exam - I turned in an outline of my qualifying paper last week, and the meeting is on Wednesday with my committee (there are way too many F-ing committees in grad school). Hopefully it gets approved without too many changes and I'm able to turn it around quickly.
I took too long to finish the paper, and I got put on academic probation. I feel like it's only partially my fault, because I have a fairly unresponsive advisor, so my master's thesis took waaaaay too long. When I ask my advisor for help, I don't hear back from him for awhile. Usually. Sometimes he gets back to my right away.
4) Being a good Mom. Well, Avery definitely seems to have formed an attachment to me lately. He's going to be 8 months old in a couple days, so he's getting to that age where he freaks if he doesn't know where I am. It's very sweet, but I want to hug him too. I wish I could take him with me wherever I went. He is my entire world now. What did my arms do before they hugged my Avery? They were useless.
My other son is another story - he's my stepson. I've been working very hard to be patient with him, but he seems to get into so much trouble. He even went to far as to smear his feces on the bathroom floor at his school in four stalls. I can't believe he would do that.
My mother-in-law has made a couple comments that have been pretty nasty. Like, she told me "Love my boys for me!" and I said "I'll try!" - because I was joking, and how could I love them for her? She is always cuddling and kissing, and she's a grandmother and all - I didn't take it seriously. And she said, "Love is a CHOICE, Michelle" - scoldingly. It really hurt my feelings. She had made a couple comments before that too.
She used to say I was the best thing that happened to her family in a long time. Now I think she's changed her mind. I'm apparently a terrible mother (heaven forbid I punish her darling FAVORITE grandson). I'm also a liberal. And I don't go to church (she doesn't know I'm an atheist, but I think she might be suspecting it.
Hahah - my son was singing a My Chemical Romance song that goes "Teenagers scare the living s*it out of me..." he NEVER swears, so I know he was showing off for his grandmother. And she said "Your parents shouldn't let you listen to that music. It's not uplifting." Really? You not only criticized my parenting, but you criticized my parenting to MY KID??? REALLY?
I'd like to shove that Bible square up her A$$.
And finally - I'm so fat that I hate getting dressed. Every time I get dressed I get depressed. I finally went out and bought some clothes. I don't even fit into the largest size at New York and Co. I do fit into 18's at Old Navy, but they run big. Anyway... I'm fat and I hate myself. Same old, same old. I need to get my big butt in gear and get this baby weight off. I hated myself before, but now things are just getting ridiculous.
I had my baby EIGHT MONTHS AGO. There is no reason for this. Not fair. I hate those women that lose all the baby weight immediately. My husband's ex was like that. So is a friend of mine who had her baby about a month earlier than I did. And here I am, fatter than ever, in the plus sizes.
I've been thinking about crafting a motivational wall. I have a wall in my room that I threw some stuff at one morning when I was upset that I was fat, and then last week when I punched the wall and scraped it with a ring of mine. Yes, very childish. I also banged my head into the wall and got a bump and had a headache all day. Anyhoo - I need to cover up the carnage - or at least create some padding for the next time I freak out - so maybe I'll hang stuff up there.
What would I hang up? Maybe some pictures of me in the cute clothes locked up in plastic bins in the basement. Maybe some pictures of my baby - I want to be there when he grows up - I would live forever as long as I had my Avery with me. Maybe a picture of a bathing suit or a nice dress? Maybe my next goal? My accomplishments? Picture of Betty Page (I want to be a Betty!) or Julie Newmar (the Catwoman from the 1966 Batman). Maybe the gift certificate for the pedicure that I'm going to get when I reach 190 lbs. Anything is better than the dents and scrapes from my childish fat tantrums.
There is nothing magical about motivation. But it is the only ingredient that seems to matter in the end. It's not a feeling or a movement... it's just dedication. There is so much vying for my attention...