Thursday, February 25, 2010
I'm reaching out now, I'm sitting in my room, after a marathon food binge. I've injured my back, and hough it's slot getting better my head is not. I'm bored, depressed and living not for anything other than the day to day of surviving. I want to be healthy and beautiful but everytime sucres starts to shine through the curtains of my life I unconciously sabotage myself. One little bite here, oh I won't count this meal... Then bam, I'm raiding my fridge and cupboard for every last bit of starchy sugary fattening bit of food Incan shovel in my face before my stomach feels like it's going to pop. And even after that I feel ill and miserable which makes me want to eat some more because food makes the pain stop, if just for a moment. The sad thing is I know it's happening and I can't make it stop. It's like that voice in my head that jumps for joy when I do good and is strong when I'm in a good mental state gets locked in a tiny box. Incan still hear her voice, but she's so far away I don't have to listen to her. Or care that she even exists until she finally catches up and mourns my defeat. She shows her disapointment in me by telling me if I can't listen to her, then why should she care to help and the black hole opens up. I try and fill the void of her with food, and new objects that I can't afford turn my back on her for deserting me. When she does come back finally I'm broken again, and it takes so long to pick the pieces back up that by the time I'm whole again it starts again so quickly that I don't know how I got back there in the first place. I wish I could stop this, I don't know how. I don't know how get myself going to get back to the place where I enjoy doing well.