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    MYSCHYF   3,111
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I don't know how to stop this downward spirial

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm reaching out now, I'm sitting in my room, after a marathon food binge. I've injured my back, and hough it's slot getting better my head is not. I'm bored, depressed and living not for anything other than the day to day of surviving. I want to be healthy and beautiful but everytime sucres starts to shine through the curtains of my life I unconciously sabotage myself. One little bite here, oh I won't count this meal... Then bam, I'm raiding my fridge and cupboard for every last bit of starchy sugary fattening bit of food Incan shovel in my face before my stomach feels like it's going to pop. And even after that I feel ill and miserable which makes me want to eat some more because food makes the pain stop, if just for a moment. The sad thing is I know it's happening and I can't make it stop. It's like that voice in my head that jumps for joy when I do good and is strong when I'm in a good mental state gets locked in a tiny box. Incan still hear her voice, but she's so far away I don't have to listen to her. Or care that she even exists until she finally catches up and mourns my defeat. She shows her disapointment in me by telling me if I can't listen to her, then why should she care to help and the black hole opens up. I try and fill the void of her with food, and new objects that I can't afford turn my back on her for deserting me. When she does come back finally I'm broken again, and it takes so long to pick the pieces back up that by the time I'm whole again it starts again so quickly that I don't know how I got back there in the first place. I wish I could stop this, I don't know how. I don't know how get myself going to get back to the place where I enjoy doing well.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JMARIE28 2/25/2010 5:11PM

    I am sure many of us can say, "Oh, I've been there."

Binging days (weeks for some), emotional eating, hormonal eating, stress eating...I've done it all. But now I realize there is another day after I sleep. A new day to make better choices. I don't bog myself down with guilt any more, just move on. It is a challenge but thanks to people like our mutual friend Karlyn I have support and encouragement and am reminded I can do it. So can you! Let's move on together! emoticon

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KARLYNCANDOIT 2/25/2010 4:35PM

    It does take time to unlearn the behaviors we were taught. You are teaching yourself how to eat healthy and that is great!! You are in the right place. These are my friends and I hope they will be yours as well. We all need help sometime!!

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MYSCHYF 2/25/2010 4:23PM

    Ty all for your support. I sat here crying reading all your comments. I'm glad I have all of you to be there for me.
And to answer u Bren, no it's usually a day or two of being really blue, then I perk up, but once there I can't seem to jump back on the wagon for a bit, and by the time I do, I've hit another down period. I know I need to do this, not because I wanna look hot (well I do, but that's secondary) i've always been in bad health, and always been heavy. Some of it is genetic, but a lot of it is the way I was raised. Where meals of mac & cheese and hot dogs with no veggies and loaded with bacon were a normal everyday thing. And where you can't leave the table until you clear your plate turned into second and third helpings. Where you shoveled your food quick because last to leave cleared the table. So now when I see a regular portion size I think gee I could eat 4 of those, and go eh I don't wanna eat the green beans. And I have to set a timer to remind myself that my meal which I could eat in 2 minutes needs to take 20 where I limit myself to one slice of pizza when I used to eat the whole thing myself.

I don't even know where this was supposed to head other than me letting out some anger. I know that now it's me that's controlling what I do, but I really wish those seeds of failure hadn't been planted so deeply that when I try to get out the roots hold me back.

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BREN4376 2/25/2010 2:40PM

    Hi sweetie! Karlyn sent me. I am so glad she did. You are doing a wonderful job here. Sometimes the winter month's are more depressing. But if the depression doesn't give, you may need to go see your doctor. You do need to be careful with depression. After all if you had an injury that required stitches you wouldn't just sit around and hope it got better on its own, right. But I really don't know you, so I do not know how long you have been feeling like this. General rule of thumb is if it last longer than 2 weeks seek medical attention. I've been there and waited too long to seek help and it's really scary then. I really hope you feel better soon. Karlyn was right you do make very awesome bento boxes! You go girl! You can do this! You can accomplish anything in life you set your mind to. emoticon
Brenda

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THE_SILVER_OWL 2/25/2010 12:24PM

    Boy-o-boy can I relate to your feelings this morning. I too have recently been letting my "hurt" voice overshadow my "healthy" voice when it comes to making good eating choices.

I'm not sure that I can offer much help other than this:

1. Learn to identify which voice is which.

2. When that "hurt" voice is feeling strong, have a heart to heart talk with it. Ask what it REALLY needs to heal. The answers might surprise you. It often has NOTHING to do with food.

3. Honor your "little girl" and work on healing through counseling, blogging, and/or talking with others that understand.

4. Do NOT give up on your self. Celebrate all the GOOD things that you do each day and concentrate on your "wins". Even if the only thing you did that was healthy that day was brush your teeth, start a journal and give yourself credit for that "win". ONLY wins get to go in the journal. Nothing else. Build on the wins, day by day.

You are not alone on this journey. We are holding out our hands to you and will help you past this temporary bump in the road!

emoticon
Hugs,
~JJ

Comment edited on: 2/25/2010 12:26:43 PM

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OTERYS 2/25/2010 12:19PM

    I've been there, and I know how terrible that feels. I have migraines and back pain too, and the depression is just so easy to fall into at times. However, I've found that sometimes a short walk will help to alleviate some of the trauma and turmoil of my body and mind (just so long as I don't over do it.)

I hope you began to feel better soon, because everyone deserves to be healthy and happy emoticon

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FINDINGMYWAY09 2/25/2010 11:07AM

    I hear you my problem isn't food its not exercising I'll do awesome for like a month or so and then bam I'll stop! Do you know why I do this? Keep a journal to see where/why you stop and start binging and then tackle that problem. Mine is motivation so what I do now is I keep signing up for road races to help me stay motivated to run plus I'm on a team called Corinthium which is an RPG based weight loss system so for our challenges they might be do x hours of exercise or eat x amount of fruits and veggies to keep us all going and for me and some other it really works!

I think you just need to find your passion and work towards it. Join a spark team with other who feel your pain and ask them how they got though it (I haven't fully scoped out your Spark page so I don't know what teams you are on) but just so you know we are all here for you!

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RONIE11 2/25/2010 11:04AM

    Oh my gosh girl been there it feels so imposible, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just tell yourself that when your binging. Allow yourself to eat what you want and don't let it get you down... much easier said that done I know. and then get right back on your program. If you splurged on foods your addicted too (stupid question I know) then realize that its going to take a few days to stop jonesing for that type of food. Mine is sugar. Valentines weekend about did me in. It took a few days but I recovered and I have gone back to loosing weight again. Please hang in there and don't give up on yourself your worth everything you want for yourself.

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HHILDE99 2/25/2010 10:51AM

    emoticon

I can relate to how you are feeling. I'm stuck in a downward spiral myself. Just keep believing that you will get out of this and things will go good again. You may not know when this will happen, but have faith that it will and in the meantime try to focus on the good things. Eventually you'll be able to get back into the swing of things and that voice that jumps for joy WILL be back before you know it. It's these times that make us stronger and lead us to learn a lot about ourselves.


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CELEST 2/25/2010 10:46AM

    It is DIFFICULT, but not IMPOSSIBLE. It starts with just one choice....which leads to a second and soon a third and eventually you have made great choices all day. But don't try and fix the whole day, just ONE CHOICE.
Its a snowball effect. Try walking for 5minutes when you find yourself in front of the food pantry/fridge etc because binge eating is in the heat of the moment. Walking, even just around your house (on the outside) will change the moment.
You CAN do this. You CAN, you REALLY CAN.


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CAROLYN1213 2/25/2010 10:30AM

    Hey sweetie, I can so hear and identify with your pain. I am a recovering food binger and self sabotager. Those voices and feelings that are driving you are lies. Those lies are leading you to a form of self abuse that is worse than the initial abuses that lead you to this point. I don't know your story, I don't know what those particular lies are, but you do. The lies that make you feel unhappy, unworthy, shameful, guilty, resentful, lifeless and unloveable. They are lies. You are beautiful. Live in beauty. Choose beauty. You are loveable. Love yourself with passion. Love the strength and power of who you were created to be. Love that you are alive to make a different choice today. You are lovely just as you are, the shadow of these lies is hiding the truth of what you were created for. Passion. Energy. Love. Beauty. Light. Joy. It's a long road there, it's a hard road past all the lies, but it is so worth the journey when you break through the other side and experience the joyous radiance that you were meant to live in. Refuse the lies. Live with passion.

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DOPKIGIRL 2/25/2010 10:29AM

    Keep your head up. We all (whether others want to admit it or not) have these days and tendencies. We just need to mark it up as a mistake and move on. It's hard to get going again, I know, as I have just started to get moving again myself. It's wonderful Sparkfriends and family that give us that kick in the butt we need and emotional support to understand where we are coming from. Don't give up, but find the things that you DID do well for the day and focus on that. They may seem small and not worthy, but they are!!! Small steps gets us a long way!!

Blessings to you. I hope you have a good day. Enjoy it!!



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METAMORPHOSISAB 2/25/2010 10:26AM

    First I want you to commend yourself for being open about how you are feeling. By getting it out, that is part of solving the problem. Also, by blogging on it, you are opening up to a fabulous support system of Sparkers who really care and want to see you succeed as much as you do. This is a great community. So you made a few poor choices...it's OK. It's not the end. This is not an all or nothing battle. When we fall, we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep marching forward to our goals. We find the things that work and keep building on them and when things don't work, we try to learn what we can change. You can do this, we can all do this. We are meant to succeed and live better healthier and happier lives. Hang in there and know you have a big family who cares here on SparkPeople!
I have been stuck and I mean stuck stalled at the same fluctuating weight for over a year. And yet I'm still here and I'm still working at it. If I can do this, I know you can. I have been the Queen of Give Up but no more...I am not the Queen of Keep On Trying. Eventually I will make it. Eventually we will all make it. As long as we never give up. Never ever give up and just keep trying. Believe in yourself. It is helpful for me to write this to you because I need to hear these same words myself. See, you are not alone.

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KARLYNCANDOIT 2/25/2010 10:08AM

    Oh honey I am so sorry. Keep your head up! You are so creative. I am sure you have a lot of hobbies. How is the weather where you live? That might have somthing to do with it. You are beautiful and you are worth having a healthy happy life. You are here and that is wonderful. Before when I gave up I did not come here for help!! You are on the right track. The one thing that I have found to really help me is eating whole foods that my body needs. And slowly the bad cravings turn into wanting healthy foods in my fat little body. I hope you do not mind but I am going to send some of my friends your way to give you some encouragement. Lots of love!! You have to stay becasue you are my hero with your cute little bentos.

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