Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am not sure if I am happy or sad at my progress? The past couple months have been horrible with life changing events, so my diet and exercise program has been left to linger on the edge. I have gained weight, exercised less and gained weight BUT I havenít really let ED into my life.
In December my boyfriendís dad was diagnosed with Cancer and was given a couple weeks to months to live. Well because we didnít know how long we had left with him, we started visiting him regularly which meant giving up our date night racquetball sessions and Saturday morning strength class. We also spent more time eating on the road, so my calories consumption sky rocketed.
In January we took our first family vacation to Mexico, where I indulged in lots of yummy foods, but did manage to exercise 4 times and limited my alcoholic beverages and the result was a weight gain of 4 lbs in 1 week. After we got back I did manage to lose 2 lbs, which may have just been weight water to begin with. Since returning from vacation we had 2 more weeks with Larry before he went to the Lord. He passed away on the evening of February 4th, 2010 and we were by his side when he left us! Due to out of state family, the funeral was not held until a week later on February 12th. This again caused a lot of eating out and giving up the club for working on picture boards, eulogyís, etcÖ.Needless to say I have gained back those 2 lbs and just donít care anymore.
So my question is this; have I beat this eating disorder and not really not care what I weigh? I have binged only a 2x since Christmas and just donít feel the need to push myself to exhaustion anymore with exercise. I am still hitting the gym 4-5x a week during lunch (did I mention I dread it every day) and would like to start going again on Saturdayís and date night, but I am wondering if I get back into the exercise routine, will ED come back? Would it be best to just continue as I have been and see where it leads even if more weight gain will happen? Right now I am still below my original goal from 3 years ago, but what happens when I gain 2 more lbs and I go over that weight, will ED return? I am not happy with how I look when I look in the mirror, but I feel like I just donít care anymore, what does that mean?