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    KKESS11   37,303
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Recovered??

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I am not sure if I am happy or sad at my progress? The past couple months have been horrible with life changing events, so my diet and exercise program has been left to linger on the edge. I have gained weight, exercised less and gained weight BUT I haven’t really let ED into my life.

In December my boyfriend’s dad was diagnosed with Cancer and was given a couple weeks to months to live. Well because we didn’t know how long we had left with him, we started visiting him regularly which meant giving up our date night racquetball sessions and Saturday morning strength class. We also spent more time eating on the road, so my calories consumption sky rocketed.

In January we took our first family vacation to Mexico, where I indulged in lots of yummy foods, but did manage to exercise 4 times and limited my alcoholic beverages and the result was a weight gain of 4 lbs in 1 week. After we got back I did manage to lose 2 lbs, which may have just been weight water to begin with. Since returning from vacation we had 2 more weeks with Larry before he went to the Lord. He passed away on the evening of February 4th, 2010 and we were by his side when he left us! Due to out of state family, the funeral was not held until a week later on February 12th. This again caused a lot of eating out and giving up the club for working on picture boards, eulogy’s, etc….Needless to say I have gained back those 2 lbs and just don’t care anymore.

So my question is this; have I beat this eating disorder and not really not care what I weigh? I have binged only a 2x since Christmas and just don’t feel the need to push myself to exhaustion anymore with exercise. I am still hitting the gym 4-5x a week during lunch (did I mention I dread it every day) and would like to start going again on Saturday’s and date night, but I am wondering if I get back into the exercise routine, will ED come back? Would it be best to just continue as I have been and see where it leads even if more weight gain will happen? Right now I am still below my original goal from 3 years ago, but what happens when I gain 2 more lbs and I go over that weight, will ED return? I am not happy with how I look when I look in the mirror, but I feel like I just don’t care anymore, what does that mean?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOOBIE0902 2/27/2010 5:51PM

    Isnt it amazing how such a relatively few pounds can provoke such self loathing with us? We are so forgiving and supportive with others, but so totally unforgivable when we fail to meet our own standards of perfection.

Last December, after10 months of strength training and 3-4 spinning classes a week, I took the BODPOD test, fully expecting to see that my total body fat was that of an athelete.

My BMI is 17.5%, but I was totally devastated to discover that my total body fat was 22%. My immediate thoughts were, 'You're not working hard enough, you are eating too much, you need to cowboy up and work HARDER!!!" (Yep, ED rearing its ugly head again.)

I know that unexpected weight gain triggers a sense of panic, the panic will continue to escalate unless I sit down and make a very specific diet/exercise plan.

Usually, the weight gain is temporary but I am again forced to realize that if 3 pounds can have such a deletorious effect on my self esteem, I am perhaps not quite as far along in recovery as I think I am.

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Be kind to yourself; you're a beautiful, caring individual and that number on the scale is NOT a definition of your worth.



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KKESS11 2/26/2010 1:42PM

    You are so right about ED, yesterday after working out I weighed myself to discover I went over that original goal, I felt ugly and ashamed. I went back to work and only ate a Slim-fast meal bar and string cheese. I thought I was good and then we went out to dinner AGAIN and we ate at Chipotle. I went over yesterday by 180 calories. This morning I got up and pulled out my jeans for casual Friday and noticed that because of this weight gain, they were hard to get on and very tight on the thighs and stomach. These pants used to be baggy and now they are far from that. As soon as I realized what my weight gain has done, my attitude changed and I became such a pessimistic downer. Everything was horrible self hatred words (fat, ugly, etc…) about what I looked like and when my boyfriend said it would be fine I would loose the weight, I slashed back at him with angry comments. I realized ED returned to me this morning when I took my boyfriends comment to mean, he was telling me I HAD to lose the weight or he would not love me and that he just said that because he expects me to stay thin, which in my eyes is the only reason he is with me. On Fridays me and another catholic at work always go grab a fish meal for lunch, well I went and ate my combo, l even got a med size combo and now I am sitting at my desk refusing to go purge, but also wondering what I will do for dinner then because I can only eat 300 more cal today? Will I end up purging tonight? GOD I hope not since I have done so well not purging, yet what do I do when I HAVE to get these 5 lbs off? I said I didn’t care anymore and I think it is because I am truly depressed that I have hit a wall and can’t lose any more weight, I feel why am I bothering when I work my ass off, but can’t stop eating the foods I like. I complain I can’t lose weight, but I can’t stop eating and it is taking its toll on me physically and emotionally.

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HARLEY501 2/23/2010 3:56PM

    I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I am very proud that you are doing so well with ED behaviors, but I caution you to be very careful. You deserve to be proud for coming this far in your recovery, yet I fear that ED is just lurking in the distance, waiting for you to get nice and comfortable, only to hit you hard while you are not looking.

You say that you just don't care anymore, yet you have taken note of 2 pounds. People without ED behaviors don't take note of 2 pounds. I am sorry if I am sounding harsh here, but I really want to be honest with you.

You are a good person and a VERY beautiful woman. Please continue to celebrate how far you have come in your recovery. You deserve that. Just remember that ED wants us to believe that we are fine and then he comes back to whisper in our ear. Keep being aware of how you are feeling every day so that you can catch yourself if you see the "slide" coming on.

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ERINEPBASIL 2/23/2010 11:26AM

    First of all, let me say that I'm really thinking of you during this stressful time, and that I'm very sorry for your family's loss. I think perhaps what this has done is maybe put some things into perspective for you? What I think is great is that you are so self-aware of the process - that you realize that even though you "just don't care anymore," those thoughts are still there, obviously, because you don't like what you see in the mirror. I don't think it should be a matter of whether to be happy or sad at your progress -- just that it is progress! -- and the fact that you are managing to deal with all this stress without feeling the need to drive your body to perfecting, I think, is an excellent sign. If you can manage to maintain the self awareness that you have now, I think you can definitely start kicking this ED in the butt, and putting it on the way way way back burner where it belongs!

(Not that it will be easy... man do I know that!)

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