Saturday, February 20, 2010
I think that my main problem with weight is that I make excuses. I didn't reach any of the goals that I set for myself last week. In fact I only exercised once. And I could give you some excuses but none of them really matter. It all boils down to this: I didn't feel like it. And I should feel like it. I should want to be healthier. I don't like being over weight, and every time I think about how last year at this time I was 15 or more pounds lighter I feel... well not sad, really. More like disgusted. But even that feeling isn't enough to motivate me. I am more or less at a loss.
I like losing weight. I like the feeling of accomplishment that it gives me. I like how i feel after I work out. It makes me feel skinnier. Losing weight is about the only thing in the world that has such positive reinforcement but is so difficult to do, or to want to do, even.
I want to be motivated. I just don't know how. And I don't know why it's so difficult for me. It's like I just keep putting it off "I'll work out tomorrow" "I'll have a clean start next week". But tomorrow and next week never come. They are always tomorrow and next week. I try to make them now, but then someone brings in donuts to work. Or they cater Chicken Parmesan, Pasta, and Bread Sticks for lunch. And I eat it.
That one week where I lost 3.5 pounds was more or less easy. I packed my lunch and I said no to foods that would be bad for my diet. And then I didn't anymore. It wasn't really like there was a turning point, I just decided that what was so bad about eating the foods I wanted? Why deny myself that? I could always work out tomorrow to make up for it.
My boyfriend joined a gym last week (2 weeks?) ago. He's been working out nearly every day since then. He's lost 5 pounds. He looks and feels good. Should this not motivate me? I, however, feel less motivated because of it.
I told my mother (who is my boss at one of my jobs) that I wanted to quit. Working two jobs is wearing on me. It's not like either is particularly difficult, but doing them both is difficult. Especially working 10 hour days 4 days a week. I am thinking about going full time at my other job.
My other job is at a call center taking glass claims for insurance companies. Not exactly something that one needs a college degree for. But it's what I'm doing, and it's a job. The company (Safelite) is opening a call center in Phoenix, AZ. I put in that I wanted to move there. A change of scenery would be nice, and I would no longer be living with my mother. Not that I mind living with my mother, but I miss being on my own.
I keep thinking that I would really like to go to Phoenix. But I'm going to be staying in a job that I only sort of like and that, as previously stated, does not make use of my college degree. I suppose I could always look for another job once I get to AZ, but it's not like I was looking very hard for a new job here. I applied at a couple of places but nothing panned out.
Maybe it's a case of seasonal depression. I always get a little down in the winter. Or maybe it's just the lack of motivation. There is one thing that I know, though. I am still heavier than I have been in years and I still don't like it. But whether or not I don't like it enough to do something about it remains to be seen.