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With a heavy heart but a lot of hope

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wow- I am quite upset with myself. I have been in such a mood lately. This month is difficult for personal reasons and I thought that I was doing "ok". What I have noticed is that I am stressed out, snapping at people around me, and just going thought the motions.
Exercise has kept me somewhat "sane". I am religious about my treadmill at home and going to the gym. So what happened? Why is my weight WAY back up as well as my measurements. I have to tell you, part of the Y not be a Loser Program is a weigh in and measure in at the beginning and end of the program. My weigh/measure in- not so good. I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry. Because there was a gym full of people on the other side of the door I held it in, saved it for the drive home. The person measuring me, Daniel, was so kind. He didn't even so much as raise his eyebrows. He was so positive, told me that we would work together in the program to help me reach my goals- then he said, so what is your goal? What is my goal?
That's the problem. What are my goals? What are my "streaks"? What am I doing?
What I have been doing is taking all sorts of high fat/high sugar, great tasting foods and using them to try and heal my wounded self.
I miss my best friend- doughnuts did not make that better. My car has a huge engine problem. Candy did not fix that or make it go away. I have not gone out, had a date, or had any man express any interest in me in I cannot tell you how long. Cookies tasted good but did not fix that issue. I feel bad that I am overweight and feel as if I am a poor role model and an embarrassment to my son. Brownies added to the problem, no help there.
I have been binging on food since mid january in an attempt to stuff down feelings of fear, sadness, and most of all, anxiety.
Before you quit reading and deem this an online pity party you need to know that there are good things about me. I attempt to be a good friend. I will listen to you all day if you need to talk or have a problem that you want to share or discuss. I enjoy exercise, I am friendly to people at the gym and try to introduce myself to others (new goal this year). I have shared, with anyone that will listen, my feelings about what a great place Sp is and how it can work wonders! I care about other people. I work in a high stress environment and have stuck "with it" because I believe that my actions and deeds help other people and sometimes have profound impact on the lives of others (for the better). I have life experience that comes with age and the situations that I have managed to live through and can share that to help others and myself.
I still have hope.
When SparkGuy tells us that our statements and actions have a profound impact on others whether we realize it or not- I wholeheartedly believe him. My son will be out of town from this afternoon until saturday. I can choose to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself, OR I can get up every morning, log in to SP, exercise, clean my home, read my "Spark" , help at work, and do a whole host of productive activities. I choose the latter.
I want to thank everyone that posts, blogs, and even clicks on "I liked that"- you never know how you impact someone's day by a simple acknowledgement or a small sharing of kindness.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hang on girl. You can do it. Remember your not just a number.
    I think the winter we have had has been hard on all to stay motivated. It has definitely kicked my butt. Sometimes you just need to step back, get some rest, and jump back on that horse.
    emoticon emoticon
    2799 days ago
  • BUG138
    Jan- Rock on- thanks for the comment on my equally frustrated post-
    if we stick together- it will make all the difference!!!!

    Kyla emoticon
    2799 days ago
    I can certainly relate to the food for comfort. I am here for any and all support you may need! Try to take it one day at a time and know that you are worth it. Baby steps...progress not perfection!

    2799 days ago
  • LESLIES537
    I can relate with your emotional eating habits. It was comforting in a way when I read that part, knowing I'm not the only one that deals with that issue. Good luck in all you do and don't beat yourself up too bad. You sound like an awesome friend, one that anyone would be lucky to have!! Keep your chin up! emoticon
    2799 days ago
    Remember to be gentle to yourself. You would not treat someone else the way you are treating yourself. Being healthy is not just about measurements and is also about the health of the spirit and person. I am a firm believer that we need to have sound mind, body and spirit in order to be healthy. Otherwise you may be thin but still not happy. You are worth being a whole person - to yourself as well.
    2799 days ago
    Hi Jan, you know what to do.... and you will do it!
    We are all in this together and we will win together!
    2799 days ago
    How about adding one more goal to your list for this year? That goal is to be a good friend to yourself. Accept yourself the exact way you are. Hold yourself accountable for your actions and cut yourself some slack. Accept Daniel's offer to help you and give yourself the same grace you would give a friend who was in your same situation. Be a good friend to yourself and the rest will follow.
    2799 days ago
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