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fear,stress,eating or should i say gorgeing chocolate.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

today my husband has his operation and anyone who knows me know i have a real fear over operations with good cause.my grandmother died in an operation so did my mother technically but the dr´s mange to revive her on the operation table.also i have myself nearly died three times in or as a result of operations so i feel my fears are understandable but it doesn´t make them any less.what made it worse was my husband was suppose to be going down to the operation 10am.i had sorted out a baby sitter for the baby and took ayyub to kindergarten and saw zakariya to tagesheim then made my way to the hospital which is 1 hour away.got to the hospital 9.10am.as i got the the sister on his ward said in a not too friendly voice you have just missed him you might as well go home.i was gob smacked and something inside me felt heavy.i asked couldn´t i just go quickly to see him and let him know i am here.she said no he is already in the operating theater go home.i said there was no way i was going home i was staying here.then asked how long was the op.she said two hours.like if i had gone home it would be time to come straight back again as the journey would have taken an hour each way.having said that even if it had been a 10 hour operation i would have stayed there.i asked her if there was a place i could wait and she said in an off hand way there is a room at the end of the corridor but it would be better if you went home.i left the ward and the hospital with tears in my eyes thinking what if he dies i haven´t seen him to wish him luck,haven´t let him know that i am here waiting for him,haven´t told him or comforted him by saying it will be all right,haven´t told him that i love him,haven´t given him a last kiss etc,etc.by this time the tears where falling soo much i couldn´t see.i was thinking how would i ever forgive myself if the worst ever happened ,how could i live with myself.then i did the worst thing i could ever do i looked up(while all this was going on in my head my feet had just carried on walking)and saw a supermarket.i went in brought 2 not 1 bottles of diet pepsi and a multy pack(5) of mars bars.they had no singlely to buy.then i went back to the hospital to wait.not only did i eat all 5 of the mars bars(not really noticing i was doing it)i also then went to the vending machine that was in the room and brought some more chocolate even though i couldn´t tell you what chocolate it was or how much i ate.3 hours later the same sister came and said he was now back and the operation has gone well.i was never so pleased to see my husband even though he was still sleeping and didn´t even know i was there.but i could touch him and he felt warm and i could kiss him.so there we have it.my fear and my eating.of coarse i could kick myself for all that pigging and i wont even attempt to work out how many calories i ate in that 3 hour period,i also don´t want anyone else to work it out for me either.i just don´t want to know .but i will try to be good for the rest of the week to make up for it.just hopeall the stress of all the normal daily stuff plus the traverling to and throw to the hospital to visit my husband and my son´s therapies that i don´t get so stress out again that i end up pigging.on the plus size i will be getting in extra exercise walking as the hospital is a bit away from the train station.will keep you informed.
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  • MUSIC66
    karin sorry you where so streed out about your husband operation but really glad that he is ok that every thing went well for him.
    2954 days ago
    Karen, I am so thankful that your husband came through the surgery O.K. I am sorry that you have been through so much with your family lately. We are all human & it is so "human" what you did with the candy bars. I hope you will accept this & move on with your journey with your weight loss. If we beat ourselves up over our mistakes, it only makes things worse. I say positive affirmations to myself in the mirror when I feel I have let myself down. "I am worth it." "I CAN DO THIS." "I will reach my goal." You are a beautiful person inside & out...don't let yourself believe anything different!
    emoticon to you!
    Your CRANBERRY emoticon Fran
    2955 days ago
    Karen, I am so very sorry...the sister should have been more understanding and compassionate, her superiors need to remind her that a compassionate caring demeanor is an important part of her job.
    I am so happy for you that your husband came through the operation just fine. Gods hands were truly upon him and guiding the hands of the surgeons.
    Now for you my Dear, just forget about the chocolate binge, what's done is done and it is all behind you now. No beating yourself up for seeking the comfort of things that are familiar to you. Don't look back just move ahead with a strong focused purpose. emoticon
    2955 days ago

    I am so sorry to hear that you had such a stressful day. Wish I could have been there for you. I'm thankful that all went well for your husband.

    Tomorrow is a new day and don't look back on what happened today - look forward. You can do it and we're all here for you.

    Take care my friend.

    Mary Anne emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2956 days ago
    Karen ~ I am thrilled that your hubby's surgery wennt well & that nothing bad happened!!!! I totally understand your fear.....alot of people have that fear!! I am a retired RN that worked for many years of my career as an operating room nurse, so I know!! That sister should not have talked to you that way!!!! Healthcare workers should be supportive & helpful not hurtful & caustic!!!! That really irritates me when I hear that!!!! My Hubby doesn't like to be with me in the hospital when I hear someone talk to someone that way because I let them know just how inappropriate that was!!!! And then I try to help & support whoever they were talking to!!!! LOL LOL!!!! Old habits die hard.......can you tell I was a management nurse during the last half of my 33yrs as anurse??!! LOL!!!!

    NOW....all that STUFF is just that....STUFF!!!!! Forget all about it & move on!!!! Don't focus on your failures.....focus on your future, your successes, your family, your faith!!!! You CAN do it, Girl!!!!
    Hugzz ~ Jae emoticon

    PS ~ Thanks so much for your comments on my blog!!!! You are always so encouraging & helpful!!!! Thanks!!!!
    2956 days ago
    I'm so happy to hear that your husbands surgery came out fine. That's the best news to hear. After what you have been through I say give yourself a break about what you ate. Glad to see that you are just going to put it behind you and eat right the rest of the week. Wishing for a speedy recovery for your husband!
    2956 days ago
    Karen-I am so glad to hear that your husband's operation came out fine. My heart goes out to your for all the worry you went through during this difficult time. Show yourself some grace with the eating and move on. It's over. You are a strong woman for holding up so well with your children's illness and your husband's surgery. You and your family are in my thoughts!
    emoticon emoticon
    2956 days ago
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