Saturday, February 13, 2010
So much of the 'weightiness' in my life has come about as a result of believing that there was something essentially wrong with me, that I had to grasp for what I needed to sustain me. That belief made me try too hard to be what someone else --anyone else--wanted me to be. Now, I just want to be all of who I am meant to be and nothing else.
And I'm so done with diets!
I went on my first diet when I was 15. I was a gymnast in high school, and I worked out HARD 4-6 hours a day after school. I'm sure there couldn't have been any extra fat on my body at that time. I had a little talent and was winning some regional competitions. My coach had aspirations for me -- but there was one problem. Twiggy was the "ideal" feminine body type at the time, and that wasn't my body type at all.
Wanting to please my coach (and the world) I went on the egg and grapefruit diet (which I supplemented with Ayds weightloss candy, because the diet was a sucky, un-fun way to live and I wanted a little pleasure). That began a 45-year internal fight with myself about good food/bad food, cute jeans/fat jeans, etc. Mentally, I think I've been on or off a diet - and judging myself good or bad according to how much I weighed -- since I was 15.
I've decided to just drop the rock. I don't care if I die fat or thin -- I want to die happy, having lived well. Being healthy makes that goal achievable.
So my purpose in being here is to re-learn what happy, healthy, life-affirming eating and exercise looks like. I want to be 100% honest with myself about what I'm choosing and why I'm choosing it. But I'm not re-making myself to suit anyone else's goals for me.
Today, I've decided it's safe to be just me, to take good care of me, and to enjoy living. My life. It's a good one.