Not looking does not change reality
Friday, February 12, 2010
For so long, I would not look at myself. I refused to see what I had done to myself. I would not go to the beauty shop because I did not want to look in the mirror. I would not try on clothes, so I bought everything on line. I just refused to look. When we had our bathrooms redone, the contractor wanted to put in a full length mirror. I objected. I did not want to see myself.
The one thing that I did do over time though was to be in pictures. I had such a poor body image when I weighed 128 pounds that I do not have pictures of myself at my thinnest. I just did not want to be missing out of the family pictures once my son was born, so I do have pictures of myself from the time that I was 28 to today.
I asked Ian to take pictures of the snow today and upload them to my photobucket account. While he was doing that, I was able to see lots of the pictures of myself over the last few years. It is unsettling to me how much I define myself by my weight. I know how much I weighed in each of the pictures.
It did not make me thinner to not know what I looked like. It probably would have made me more cognizant of what I was doing to myself. So, from now on I am vowing to LOOK. I may even go buy that full length mirror and hang it up!