Thursday, February 11, 2010
O.k.....this is the thing. Last week I was in the groove. I was eating the meals suggested on here... tracking my nutrition...walking 2 miles (not quite every day)...went out and bought 3 lb. hand weights...bought an exercise ball...I was intentional! But over the weekend my husband and I had a couple different issues. He spent three hours at a bar Saturday afternoon--just out of the blue--left me at home by myself thinking he was doing something else (BECAUSE he told me he was doing something different!) That wasn't cool. Sunday he was distant because he felt bad. I began to feel distracted at this point but still felt pretty strong. BUT...I put off exercising....Then by Monday night I am getting the vibe from him that I am not doing enough to find a job/finish my education/be a career-minded individual...by Tuesday morning I feel like a complete loser. By this point I am frozen. I do nothing all day Tuesday...do very little all day Wednesday. I lost my job back in December--they shut down our work-site--this was a job I had had for 12 years. I have been trying to take my time deciding what I want to do..while drawing unemployment. But, I feel like my husband criticizes everything I do or don't do. I wrote in my journal yesterday...that I cannot let him get to me!! I cannot let him bring me down and distract me!! I have to be strong..and determined..and tough. I have to keep my thoughts above the negativity. I have to let my deepest thoughts be illuminated by the loving-kindness and unconditional love of G*d.
I have a melancholy tendency. This aspect of my personality can freeze me up.