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how much more?

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

i just don't know how much more of this i can deal with. i am getting more and more depressed each day and the obsessive suicidal thoughts are taking over hours of every day and more hours at night. i'm only sleeping five hours at the most and it's very broken. i'm tired of fighting this. i'm tired of wasting my life and energy and the energy of others trying to not think about killing myself. It's never going to go away. Yes, pharmaceutical companies will start researching suicidality soon, but it will take years until there is a treatment. i don't want to live through this night; i don't know how i could ever expect myself to live through years. There isn't even one medicine out there to treat suicidality. i'm just on my own, and i've always been on my own. i've lied to myself for years saying it would be better tomorrow and listened to countless professionals that have told me the feelings will pass, but the better tomorrow and the passing feelings have never come. i must be an idiot to not be able to do something as simple as not be suicidal. i haven't even had one week since i was nine that i didn't think about killing myself. How can i possibly expect this to change? How can i possibly expect things to get better when there isn't even a treatment?

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
FLUTESTARKISS9 2/13/2010 8:54PM


For real, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please call.

We are all here for you dear!

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FLARE68 2/12/2010 6:11AM

    Let me share my experience with you, if you will. I was once just like you. For a long long time. What helped me... just get up and move. Write it all down. Move move move.
Eventually the heavy weights that hold you down, they will release you and a new day will be there. I promise.
Google Random Thoughts of a Perfect Stranger.
Only you can save you. My thoughts are with you emoticon

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SPARK_COACH_JEN 2/10/2010 7:17AM

    The things you are saying we take very seriously. If you are really having these thoughts, you need to call a suicide and/or crisis hotline right away. There are 1-800 numbers for this type of thing, so you don't need to have somewhere local to go. If you need me to find one, let me know and I would be happy to do that for you.

SparkPeople is a great place for support, but we are not equipped to deal with these kinds of issues. You need to talk to a professional who specializes in these kinds of things. I'll send you a SparkMail with some further details.

Coach Jen

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JAZZMIK 2/9/2010 10:01PM

    I wish there was something I could do to help you. I don't know exactly what you are going through but I have dealt with suicidal thoughts cause by depression but I've always gotten through them either with Medical intervention or on my own. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Please know that you are a precious worthwhile person, that even if it doesn't seem like it you would be missed in this world. emoticon

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