Tuesday, February 09, 2010
i just don't know how much more of this i can deal with. i am getting more and more depressed each day and the obsessive suicidal thoughts are taking over hours of every day and more hours at night. i'm only sleeping five hours at the most and it's very broken. i'm tired of fighting this. i'm tired of wasting my life and energy and the energy of others trying to not think about killing myself. It's never going to go away. Yes, pharmaceutical companies will start researching suicidality soon, but it will take years until there is a treatment. i don't want to live through this night; i don't know how i could ever expect myself to live through years. There isn't even one medicine out there to treat suicidality. i'm just on my own, and i've always been on my own. i've lied to myself for years saying it would be better tomorrow and listened to countless professionals that have told me the feelings will pass, but the better tomorrow and the passing feelings have never come. i must be an idiot to not be able to do something as simple as not be suicidal. i haven't even had one week since i was nine that i didn't think about killing myself. How can i possibly expect this to change? How can i possibly expect things to get better when there isn't even a treatment?