Fighting the Current
Monday, February 08, 2010
I have two major character flaws: 1) Perfectionism and 2) not asking for help. One feeds into the other and they reinforce each other, creating a wall of critical thoughts and negative behaviors. Through therapy I am learning to deal with both of these things. However, as soon as I have a handle on one, the other, or both, people or situations in my life seem to reinforce my negative thoughts. So I feel like I am swimming against the current, fighting my way free of myself.
For instance, I have been having a really hard time writing my PhD dissertation. Because I am afraid it won't be good enough. But I finally got the push I needed and was writing like crazy. I was feeling really accomplished and proud of myself. Until I sent it to my boss. She read it and corrected some of it. And instead of talking to me privately and helping me in a constructive fashion, she berated me in front of my labmates in a very curt and angry fashion. I have no written a word since. SO I thought to myself. See I wasn't good enough.
So I decided to tacke #2 to ask for help. I contacted a service that helps you edit you thesis and keep you on track and that took A LOT of guts for me to admit I needed help and could not do this on my own. So I called up the service and they were rude to me and told me that I have too specialized of a topic, that no one really asks for help in my area, and that not only could she NOT help me, but she doubted I would find a service who could help me.
Strike two. So I took this as I am not good enough and no one wants to help me. OUCH. I am trying to stay motivated and positive, but these circumstances are just beating me to a pulp mentally.
Positive thought of the day: I am still breathing!!! I won't ever give up!!