Thursday, February 04, 2010
My boyfriend's cousin died yesterday. We got the news this afternoon. Truthfully, I only met her once. Of course, my boyfriend is devastated. Not only was she close to his age and close to him when they were growing up, she died from the complications of the same disease he is being treated for. A mortality check, if you will.
It doesn't matter how comfortable you are with the idea of death, the truth is that if you are mentally healthy, you don't want to die. My b.f. is no exception. I think he thought that if the worse case scenario occurred, meaning the treatment didn't work, he would be okay with it. But then life brings a situation that makes you realize certain things and how much you want life to exist. It is not always easy to follow doctor's recommendations to a "t". He does a pretty good job, although is not perfect. His cousin did not. And that is something that in some weird way God chose to remind him the importance of.
I always tell him that he is still here for a reason and he needs to find it. The boy already has been given so many chances at life by God. He has cheated death so many times. (Not near death, almost hit by a car, but actually in accident, head through glass sort of stuff.) My friend says that if the world ends, there will be bugs and Ray left standing. I think maybe after all he has survived, he has just arrived at the point emotionally to be able to evaluate it all, something I was forced to do long ago with the death of my parents.
So for now, I am doing my consoling thing (without food) as any good girlfriend would, especially one who has experienced so much loss already. It is different being on the flip side of things, but I am happy to be there for him...if that can be said. (Is happy the right word?)
And my emotions are also a little mixed up because my best friend had her baby. This baby is a long awaited arrival, and not the nine months kind. After 6 miscarriages, my best friend (for over half my life) had given a last ditch effort to have a child. Jacob Ian finally arrived to some very ecstatic parents.
I am overwhelmed with joy in my heart for my best friend and I ache for boyfriend. I feel like crying, but if I cry, I cannot even tell you which emotion I am crying for at the moment. So, no tears. For now that is reserved for someone who is having a really hard time smiling.
I know that regardless of life's turns, I still have to do my thing. I have to have my "me" time or I will be in the same size 16s I started in. I ate well today, am chewing gum at the moment, and have my day planned for tomorrow and even Saturday. Emotional moments are no longer reasons to "let it slide" or "push pause". (There have been a lot of them lately, I must say.) And of course, there is always another weigh in to look forward to. ;) I cannot let myself down. I will not allow myself to.
Until next time!