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    IAMFREETORUN   8,608
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Promised...


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

"You can't fix a problem you haven't acknowledged."

These words changed everything. I have not acknowledged my body from the lower lip down since 1998. There have been brief moments where the sheer enormity of the problem (oh, yes... ALL puns fully intended) has intruded explosively into the calm denial I worked so hard to maintain, but overall, complete and willful ignorance has been the order of the day.

It's not like I never ate a salad or used my legs. I had bouts of healthy eating the way some people have bouts of the flu. When pressed upon, I sometimes walked as much as several meters in one day! Sometimes it was even intentional! Of course, I called it "getting healthy" or "focusing on being more balanced" or some such bull$h!t that enabled me to continue carrying on as though I was a completely normal chubby person.

But even the Empress Queen Supreme of Denial has chinks in her blinders. Even the most staunch denial will waver when you try to get into a booth at a restaurant and literally can't even get in. Or worse... you can get in, but you need to spend a good 15 red-faced minutes quietly working your way out of it. No good. Or buying shirts that look like you will be totally swimming in them... only to put them on at home and realize you can't actually get one on past your waist.

There some amazing, courageous brave souls on here who have posted their "before" photos. So I figured I would. Because how bad was I, really?

Pretty freaking bad, it looks like. I've put them in my gallery and there they will stay until I have something to put next to them. Denial is a lovely state to visit, but if I keep living there, it's going to kill me. The truth hurts - worse than a very large, very new scab being torn off a recent wound - but there is nothing left for me here in this big empty castle in this kingdom of mine called Denial. Even my dreams have flown away to greener pastures where they might get to go for a walk once in a while.

So join me... have a nice glass of brewed iced tea with a little lemon and take in the bleak landscape of scorched hopes and razed intentions - and keep me company while I pack. The rooms are haunted here, but I still need to say my proper goodbyes before I leave Denial forever and, my trembling hand in yours, set off for a new castle in a kingdom called Promise.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEORGIA_KAY 2/21/2010 2:10PM

    I was your very near neighbor in that kingdom of Denial.

I flew the coop too, and am glad you did as well. We can write our own tickets now to anywhere in the world we want to go to.

We really can--and will--do this!


Georgia

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CYNDIDAVISUSA 2/3/2010 5:29PM

    Yay! You BLOGGED!! It was awesome, as usual!

I will hold your hand, but my life feels a lot like skiing down moguls with cookie sheets tied to my feet right now.

We can do this. We will be brave and just keep moving forward and let the past be just that.

Yay you!!

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DIFROMWYOMING 2/3/2010 10:01AM

    Wonderful, insightful blog! I also did 'before' pictures. They were dismal, but the 'current' ones (not after yet) next to them are pretty exciting as time goes by. You WILL see that, too. I could SO relate to everything you put down here, from the booths to the clothing denials. Even now, when I look back at photos, I almost dont' recognize myself and think "where the hell WAS I? Didn't I SEE this happening?" I guess I didn't. I'm not LIVING in Denial anymore, but I still visit there sometimes. It's all about the progress. emoticon

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HUNTINGGODDESS 2/3/2010 6:16AM

    So true. I have been in denial for a long time too. I have those before picture. You can do it. Just think about those amazing after pictures. Go girl. emoticon

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