Wednesday, February 03, 2010
"You can't fix a problem you haven't acknowledged."
These words changed everything. I have not acknowledged my body from the lower lip down since 1998. There have been brief moments where the sheer enormity of the problem (oh, yes... ALL puns fully intended) has intruded explosively into the calm denial I worked so hard to maintain, but overall, complete and willful ignorance has been the order of the day.
It's not like I never ate a salad or used my legs. I had bouts of healthy eating the way some people have bouts of the flu. When pressed upon, I sometimes walked as much as several meters in one day! Sometimes it was even intentional! Of course, I called it "getting healthy" or "focusing on being more balanced" or some such bull$h!t that enabled me to continue carrying on as though I was a completely normal chubby person.
But even the Empress Queen Supreme of Denial has chinks in her blinders. Even the most staunch denial will waver when you try to get into a booth at a restaurant and literally can't even get in. Or worse... you can get in, but you need to spend a good 15 red-faced minutes quietly working your way out of it. No good. Or buying shirts that look like you will be totally swimming in them... only to put them on at home and realize you can't actually get one on past your waist.
There some amazing, courageous brave souls on here who have posted their "before" photos. So I figured I would. Because how bad was I, really?
Pretty freaking bad, it looks like. I've put them in my gallery and there they will stay until I have something to put next to them. Denial is a lovely state to visit, but if I keep living there, it's going to kill me. The truth hurts - worse than a very large, very new scab being torn off a recent wound - but there is nothing left for me here in this big empty castle in this kingdom of mine called Denial. Even my dreams have flown away to greener pastures where they might get to go for a walk once in a while.
So join me... have a nice glass of brewed iced tea with a little lemon and take in the bleak landscape of scorched hopes and razed intentions - and keep me company while I pack. The rooms are haunted here, but I still need to say my proper goodbyes before I leave Denial forever and, my trembling hand in yours, set off for a new castle in a kingdom called Promise.