Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Just a moment ago I read a post from someone who said she was seriously suicidal. I know the feeling - I have been so close to suicide myself many times. My grandfather, whom I never met, killed himself. My father shot himself through his brain. After he did that I put on 100 pounds. I had spent so much of my life being the victim of his verbal and physical abuse. I was never good enough. He was cruel. He did cruel things to me, he beat me so badly a couple of times that I lost control and wet all over myself. He broke my jaw once.

Even though we had this past, I wanted him to love me. I used to have a fantasy that he'd grow old and come to live with me, and we would have a loving relationship. What I got instead was a big stamp on my heart for the rest of my life that I was not good enough for him to want to live for.

Suicide is the worst abuse you can do to the survivors.
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    I am so sorry for what you went through. Counseling really helped me.

    "Even though we had this past, I wanted him to love me." I can so relate to this statement. I do not understand why we want them to love us so bad, why we're so desperate for it, but I was too.

    You were brave to post this here and that's a big first step. I hope you are reaching out for further help. It's available, you just have to ask.

    "Even stunted trees reach for the light."
    2743 days ago
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