Thursday, January 28, 2010
My mom has cancer.
How the hell do you react when your parents call to tell you that one of them has cancer? How could I react? I wanted to cry and scream, but didn't. I stayed calm because I knew that's what they needed.
But what happens when you can't lose control? What happens when you can't vent all your frustration at the world? I wanted nothing more than to just start eating and eating and eating and not stop. Eat until I felt numb, until the fear and upset disappeared.
My immediate reaction was to throw diet out the window, head to the greasiest pizza place I know, stuff most of a large pizza down my throat, and drown my sorrows in a pitcher of beer. My husband, bless his soul, would have been a willing accomplice, except he knows how much I would have hated myself in the morning. Instead, he sat next to me as he was pretending to get ready to go to said pizza place and said:
"I wonder how many POINTS a slice of their pizza is? Forty?"
It was enough to stop my deadly downward spiral and start me thinking. That little voice in my head kept screaming for pizza, but every other fiber of my being said "no, this isn't what you want to do."
Would my mom want me to fall off the wagon when I've been this successful? No, she wouldn't. Is she going to fall off the wagon just because of this bump in the road? No, she's not.
So, despite that urge to indulge, I stayed in control. The hubby, best friend and I went to Outback where I allowed myself to have a big, honking margarita along with my usual meal: Chicken on the Barbie with steamed vegetables (no butter in the preparation) and the Seared Ahi appetizer. Frankly, everything but the ahi tasted like ashes, and the margarita was too sweet.
Tonight's meeting topic at Weight Watchers, "Why We Eat", probably comes at the perfect time. Regardless of whether I feel like going or not, I'm going. This particular topic on this specific night is exactly what I need to reinforce good behaviors even in the face of the worst of news.
Food does not control me.
I will not find solace in food.
Food will not make my problems go away.