Thursday, January 21, 2010
So I wish I could say everything in my life right now is: sunshine and roses but, the reality is I don't feel it.
When hubby came home from work today and said: I think I'll give mom a big kiss (fooling around with Wyatt, then he wants to), I felt so loved and happy. I know that sounds really lame and dorky but, I'm just telling the truth.
Then they went downstairs to play and have been there since about 6:00pm and I'm upstairs moping around again.
I am so tired of these constant moods swings of mine, one day I feel good and the next is all downhill again.
I have been taking some "natural" remedies.....OM3 (fish oil) and Maca Powder (which is supposed to help with a variety of things) and I started to feel really good, I've been taking them for about a month now (someone also recommended Vitamin D).
Then this last week, I thought I was getting my monthly cycle and wham....feeling crappy again.
I have severe Endometriosis and have MONTHLY pain with each cycle.
Most recently I have been debating having an appt. with my gyno to talk about a hyst. but, then we would have NO chances of another conception, yes.....that is what I was hoping for since our son was born over 4 years ago.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide FOREVER.
I was watching the news on Haiti this evening and thought: Tina, why are you so selfish, when all these people have nothing and I know my family is blessed with what we do have?
Why do I allow myself to feel so depressed when in reality I know things (financially) could be better but, they could be so much worse too.
Really.....I feel that I am a good person and have a loving heart and my friends have told me so but, why do I still feel empty and incomplete so often?
Honestly, I don't have any friends here where we live (Edgerton). I have been going back to the gym in town and am supposed to get back into a routine there as well. But when I go, I try desperately to focus on what I'm doing rather than who I'm talking to because, no one there does really talk to me that much. They all pretty much have their group of friends and I'm not one of them. I have tried to chat a little in the past, without success.
So.....if the people that know me say: Tina, you are awesome and thanks for being you, then why do I feel so alone?
Another friend in Stoughton told me I have "high expectations of people" and that everyone is different and let them be them and who they are and not change them, etc.
Example: I have tried numerous times to get "ladies together for a night out". Here I am really being selfish again because, what I really want is the female companionship and getting together to have a fun night.
So when it doesn't happen this way and ladies back out for one reason or another, I get discouraged and doubt myself and say....why does this always happen to me?
Actually I was successful in a "ladies night" last week at the Melting Pot. There were 15 of us all together out to have a good time and honestly, I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time.
Not that my family home makes me miserable but, just that kind of friends getting together to go out sorta night.....laughing and talking! What a great time, I just wish there were more times like that ya know.
I know I've been told people have their own lives Tina and you need to get a hobby or find something to do but, what?
I'm sure I CAN do it but, wanting to do something alone isn't fun to me.
On my FB account I am trying to get a monthly ladies night going so.......
next month, it is roller skating night and I'm really hoping that many ladies show up, if anything else.....to laugh at me falling all over the place.
IT DOES FEEL GREAT TO LAUGH!!!!!