The Lazy Man Diet Plan, Week One - 8 Pound Loss

Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm sure that the title of this blog will attract more than a few curious Spark members interested in dropping considerable amounts of weight without doing proportionate amounts of work. Before I go into the details, please be aware that there are several prerequisites, all of which I can personally claim to have achieved or experienced, that are necessary should one wish to follow this plan. They are as follows:

1. The Proper Body

The preferred body types for this plan can include numerous sub-categories, all of which are usually the result of years of physical neglect caused by an aversion to any form of exercise or physical exertion. These may include but are not limited to:

The Marshmallow Man - Soft and pudgy, can go undetected for years through judicious selection of clothing. (Bonus: Athletic-themed wear often invites questions about past sports involvement)

The Gut Reaction - Absolutely normal physique, save for one obvious, almost mismatched physical attribute. (Bonus: In a forward fall, little or no injury to the face is incurred)

The Bowling Pin - Men often dislike the feminine description "pear-shaped", so this designation is often more acceptable to the macho man of this body type. (Bonus: Hard stadium benches can be endured for hours with little or no discomfort)

2. The Proper Diet

There are several guidelines that must be followed to achieve the above types. Again, these may include but are not limited to:

Vegetables - Avoid these like The Plague. Disgusting, vile weeds sprouting from the earth were meant to be consumed by dumb, foraging, grazing animals lacking the intelligence or instinct to hunt, kill or shop for tastier fare.

Pizza - The holy grail of prepared food is also a complete meal that includes all of the recommended food groups: Grains (crust) Dairy (cheese) Vegetables (tomato) and Meat (pepperoni). One cannot go wrong utilizing this forward-thinking logic.

Fast Food - This choice is more an economic, efficiency-based option. The modern drive-thru has given us the ability to acquire and consume food in a fraction of the time required by our predecessors, allowing us to devote more hours to produce the goods and services that have made our modern world great. Is it a coincidence that our economy is suffering as more people adapt to "healthy" lifestyles? I think not.

Sweets - Our "sweet tooth" is actually the ability of our taste buds to distinguish this unique feature found in many foods. As man evolved, those unable to discern and consume these tasty morsels eventually weakened, withered and disappeared. One would be hard-pressed to find a more prime example of survival of the fittest.

Alcohol - It's incredibly difficult to be critical of a beverage whose basic ingredients are also found on almost every "must-have" healthy diet plan: grains and fruit.

3. The Proper Partner

Although a few have reached the pinnacle of Lazy Man status alone, it is almost impossible for one to qualify for the Lazy Man Diet Plan without the previous assistance of a partner. The best attributes of this type of partner may include:

Like-thinking attitude - The current divorce rate of approximately 50 percent is the perfect argument for finding a partner with this inherent quality. Although some choose to use such derogatory terms as "co-dependent", the decreased levels of stress alone are an important factor in choosing a partner with similar tastes and habits.

Excellent cook - It can be incredibly difficult for one to achieve true Lazy Man status if his partner lacks the culinary skills to prepare the appropriate meals on a regular basis. Also, preparing one's own food can take inordinate amounts of time usually devoted to relaxation, and burn precious calories necessary for the more important task of consumption.

Similar body type - One cannot be critical of another who shares the same physical attributes as himself. Should the Lazy Man and his partner decide to pursue this plan together, they can describe it as "our journey" or some other romantic sounding nonsense.

Implementing the Plan, Week One

In true Lazy Man style, I relied on my wife to plan our week's food. I ate only what was prepared for me, and avoided all temptation to stray from the plan. When eating out, I made more sensible choices than I had in the past. Both at home and out, I declined my wife's offers to finish what she could not, hopefully in the process losing the nickname of "HGD" or "Human Garbage Disposal."

I added no new exercise to my daily schedule, which was easily justified by using the hours that I work as an excuse (I suspect that this may have to change slightly as the weeks go on).

Well, that's about it. After one week, weigh-in showed an incredible 8 pound loss. Not much by Biggest Loser standards, but by Lazy Man standards, a great success.

Stay tuned for a Week 2 update, results and a possible book deal.

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