Returning again, again
Friday, January 15, 2010
I hope this doesn't become a life-long thing for me, but I have a habit of starting things -- lots of things -- and then never finishing them. I am sure that is nothing shocking to most people, but it's a major source of frustration for me. The reason I start things like trying to get in shape is because I want the end result! So why do I keep giving up before I get there?
I've slowly been working my way through the muddle that is "What do I do now that I've graduated from college?" You see, once you finish college, unless you're one of the people who knows they want to get married and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, there is no longer a pre-defined "end goal." Up until this point, it's been easy: go to school.
School is over now. I could always go back to school, go for a graduate degree, but I am honestly burnt out. I am an idealist to a fault, and it's hard for me to see the tangible results that academic work in the field I'm in would provide.
There are plenty of things I want to do. Depression makes me feel like they're not worthwhile, but I ALWAYS want to do them. I've decided that this year I will actually start to do things. Nothing ever hurts as much as I'm afraid it does, but I keep doing the one thing I know keeps hurting me (not doing!). Why? What a waste of time, energy, effort, of youth!
Here's a few things on my to-do list for 2010:
1. Travel to London
2. Run a 5k
3. Take a dance class or join a team sport
4. Pay off my credit cards
5. Set up my business
1. I am an Anglophile. A lot of Americans are, and a lot of English majors are, so I can't claim originality here. What I really want to do is travel the world, but I figure I should cut my teeth (and my passport) by going to the one place I've been dreaming of visiting since I was a little girl. My main goal in visiting London is to hit up the sights and sounds that inspired the writers I love. Of course, this also means "London" equals "England" because, last time I checked, Canterbury wasn't next to Big Ben.
2. I have mixed feelings about running. Mainly, I think I like it. But I like it with a purpose. If it's not actively doing something more than getting me from point A to point B all sweaty and tired, I hate it! So I am setting a running goal for myself to motivate me to actually run every day. "For fitness" just doesn't cut it -- besides, athletic goals are something I want to build up into. Maybe eventually I'll aim to run a marathon or compete in a triathlon. Maybe.
3. Part of why I've avoided doing this is because I hate my body. It's dumb, but there it is. Because of this, I've been afraid of -using- it -- so I've avoided dance, even though I kind of want to try, and team sports, even though I love them. I've always told myself, "Once you get in shape, you can do that!" Dance studios and team sports advertising that you can use their services -to get into shape- don't phase me; I never wanted to be "the fat one" and I never went to see whether I would be or not. I think, though, that this falls under the category of "once I'm there." So this is a goal for when I get into better shape. More specifically, I'm looking at playing soccer or taking jazz/modern dance.
4. These have been haunting me for 6 years now. They're not insurmountably huge, but they are uncomfortably large. The balances aren't killing my credit score yet (I'm carrying ~40% of my available credit), but it's silly to have this and the monthly payments hanging over my head are scary, especially since I also have student loans. I want to GET RID OF THESE! I don't think I can quite do it in 2010, but I can certainly reduce them by at least half.
5. I don't like working for other people. I also don't like not being in control of what my work is used for. So, there's this. It would help satisfy my idealistic self -- I could do something that meant something to me -- as well as my control-freak self. ;)
So... that's where we're starting.
Let's see where we end up!