trying to make a comeback
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Well I haven't been on here too much for ages. Seems like a whole other life time that sparkpeople was my mainstay for fitness and sanity.
I stopped checking in due to a major downturn in the sanity department. We closed our business in April last year, which although it wasn't actually making any money for us, it was still making life a little easier on the day to day expenses. We were able to get our milk and basic grocery items at cost.
I spent several weeks and months slipping deeper and deeper into a depression that was just not taking me anywhere other than down. So I stopped everything I was doing, I couldn't clean the house (and I'm talking even the basic stuff here like, the dishes and laundry) fortunately Ihave a very supportive partner in that respect and he was able to do all that for me, admittedly it wasn't without some complaints. He didn't pressure me to greatly, though I was still for the better part of it responsible for cooking the family meals, needless to say we ate very plainly. Pip (my partner) is a very good gardener so we always have a great supply of fresh vegetables so we are able to dine quite easily on those and cut back on the meat etc.
After a while I had become so bad that I wasn't even opening the mail, I couldn't go to the letter box and I wasn't able to answer the phone. The pressure of the bills was getting to much for me, I had a parking ticket that eventually escalated into a $360 court fine, I found out about this when I came home from my part-time job to discover the bailiff had been, fortunately we were all out so he had only left a note. I was able to make a committment to pay the fine within a certain time or the bailiff would be back to seize goods..
It was then I realised I had to do something about my state. I decided to start back on the prozac the doctor had prescribed me the year before but I refused to take because they made me feel so ill and we were still running the shop then and I couldn't afford to feel that ill for six weeks till the side effects subsided.
So anyway the medication worked, kind of, I called them my anti-neurotics because that is what they were doing for me, I opened the mail although I was shaking, I sorted out all the bills and set up a system so I can be reminded daily which bills are due and when. That worked for a bit. The pile has returned the anxiety about the phone calls also and I still can't go to the letterbox.
Not only that but I found I was experiencing severe mood swings, with a rapid turn around. One day I would be high as a kite absolutely indestructible, I wasn't experiencing shopping sprees but I was thinking about having tattoos and drug (recreational) taking. Then the next day I would be in the bowels of the earth, not suicidal but I certainly was wishing I was dead. I couldn't do anything on those days, I would stay in bed most of the day, and sleep much of it. I wasn't like this all the time but certainly much of it. (to be continued)
I talked to my Dr about changing the anti-depressant for a different one but she didn't feel a simple change of anti-d's would benefit me but she did change my meds. She's put me on Epilim which is an anti-manic - eek does this mean I'm bi-polar. The new meds have helped me greatly, I'm only on 200mg 3X daily but I find I am eating incessantly andmostly sweet things like chocolate. I even find myself gobbling food and staying up late so I can eat chocolate when everyone else is in bed. I can picture myself putting back on all the weight I've managed to lose over the last 6 months in a matter of weeks.
I've come back to sparkpeople to help me stay motivated the exercise and eating healthily. I won't track my meals at this stage because I know I will skip meals so I can make up the extra calories with chocolate. So I will concentrate on getting active again and filling the plate with lots of yummy home grown salads and fresh vegetables from the garden.
My resolution for the year (I feel I have the strength to make one now) is to achieve at least 50% of my goal weight loss and ditch the chocolate habbit.
So alll you Sparkies here's to 2010 and great goals achieved.