Tuesday, January 05, 2010
I feel somewhat torn writing this as it is a HUGE departure to my usual positive upbeat blogs. My personality is one in which I find the joy and happiness in all situations. I guess in some respects I did just that yesterday despite how I felt but posting how broken I feel seems as if I am admitting defeat, not something I do normally. It is not a big deal but it hit me hard for some reason.
Yesterday morning I was walking around the mall and the cramps started. Twice. Not bad just strong. I have been having these on and off now for a couple of weeks and from other Moms learned that it is normal and no big deal. I talked with my aunt a few weeks ago who is a doctor and she said it may be a sign I just need to slow down my miles. Regardless, it is nothing serious.
Well after the cramps stopped I went to the store and while shopping I started having a sharp pain in my back. It continued to get worse and I had to leave my cart with all my food in it and leave the store. I went to my car and called my doctor. The nurse told me it was nothing just a mini contraction and the pain in my back could be the baby changing postion. Either way, I was hurting and started to get scared. I am a new Mom to be and I have NO idea what is normal or need for concern. The nurse said to watch for consistency and if they continue to take it easy and slow it down.
So I went and got a prenatal massage thinking it would help, and it did, for a short time. After feeling better I attempted to go back to the store and finish my shopping but I was not there more than 5 minutes and it started again in my back then about 15 mins later, I got a sharp, deep pain in my lower abdomen again, this one only lasted about 30 seconds. Then nothing, I was fine.
I headed home, drank my gallon of water and went to bed. I started feeling so defeated. I could not even finish a day of simple errands. I was not able to get my miles in only a little yoga and my morning walk. For me, this was hard. I had started off the day in high spirits, posting all the grand goals I was going to reach and now I was laying in bed. Again, it is not that big of a deal but when you are a SUBBORN person like myself, it is hard. I live each day like it is the last. I start my mornings with list of to do's and I like to feel accomplished at the end of the day.
I found myself starting to cry and feeling as if I was a failure. Maybe it was the hormones or the fact that I put a ton of pressure on myself. Every day when I blog from my heart I am posting it for the world to see. That is one reason why I stay so motivated because I know I am accountable to so many people, most who I do not even know. I receive emails and comments every day from people telling me how I inspire them. How can this be? I am just a girl with a dream, to live the best life that I can, nothing more. I am human, I break down, I make mistakes, I have troubles, doubts, worries and failures. How then can I be an inspiration to another?
Some times I get hesitant to post blogs because the whole internet world will see them. But then that part of me that wants to motivate others comes in and I always think if ONE person could see my struggles and victories, just maybe they would be inspired to start living life a new way and their life could change! That is motivating, the fact that someone could loose weight, start a walking program, change their diet all because of something I wrote or seeing my story. And so I continue to put every aspect of my life out there for the world to see. But then there are the days when it becomes hard, when I feel I have not done my best or did not finsih what I wanted to do. I fell short of my goals and did not accomplish what I wanted and now everyone will know. I weighs on my heart sometimes.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been meeting all of you here on spark. This site has changed my life. Each day when I see that I have new friends added to my page, I get excited, who will I meet? How will they motivate me or how I can help them on their journey! Total strangers helping one another, it is a beautiful thing.
I guess the purpose of this blog is to let me get off my chest what I am feeling. I feel as if I started off wanting to stay strong during this pregnancy and now I really do feel I need to watch more what my body is telling me and SLOW IT DOWN on days that I need to. My goals will not be met and I need to be ok with that. I need to be ok with the fact that I am NOT perfect and I have days where I am just to tired to do anything. People will understand. It is not the end of the world and the only true person I am accountable to is me and my precious little girl. I have to do this for her, she is my priority right now, nothing more.
If by slowing down I get off target and gain 3 or 5 pounds more at the end of my pregnancy and she is healthy, than that is ALL THAT MATTERS. The scale is pointless when it comes to what matter most, the safety and health of my angel.
I can still watch what I am eating, drink my water and do what I can each day, but if I need to rest, than rest is what I will do. What is my ultimate goal? To be the best Mom I can be.
You know my friend always refers to me as Pollyanna. LOL! That is how I want to live. To be a positive influence to everyone I meet. It is how I want to be remembered. That no matter what, I always looked for the positive in every aspect of my life. And so even though yesterday was hard on me, I am picking myself up and starting over today fresh.
Thank you for letting me share my heart and most of all thank you for your constant support. It lifts me up each morning! I have met so many wonderful new friends recently and I look forward to an amazing 2010 working on our goals together!