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    SINDARI   788
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Heart to Heart with the Fiance

Monday, January 04, 2010

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I want to share the general direction of the conversation I had with Nathan last night. I need to add a little relationship background in for this to make sense, but I'll try to keep it short and generally not to sweet.

We started dating a little over 5 years ago, and we're scheduled to get married this coming May. Back in 2004 I weighed in at about 128 lbs, I could haul my butt across campus in about 10 minutes and not be winded, and I was very very flexible. I was "heavy" then because I was lean and didn't carry a whole lot of extra jiggle (my BMI was around 17). I could throw a 50lb bag of horse feed on each shoulder and haul it around the barn. I could throw 70lb hay bales for hours (I LOVED hay season). I didn't really work out, and I ate whatever my budget would let me (mostly Ramen, burritos, pizza, and lo mein). I rode horses 2-3 times per week, and had a class where I was training yearlings. After graduation I was working 6 days a week at show barn doing farm-hand chores.

Fast forward to 2007-09. I sit on my rear most of the time at work and do very little physical activity. Horses are too expensive in the DC area, like everything else, and Nathan and I save money by not really going out much. To occupy ourselves we sit on our butts and play World of Warcraft about 20 hours a week.

I've been saying for a year now that I want to lose weight. I love to go shopping, but for about 2 years now I haven't really purchased anything other than a couple of sweaters and shoes. I feel great walking into the store, but as soon as I see myself in the mirror I feel like a dressed up potato. My clothes are considerably stressed out with the situation.

What kept me from doing anything? "I like your legs. You have a nice butt." etc..... thanks sweetie. While all that is great to hear, it doesn't help my resolve to do something about the way I look. Last night I reasoned it out for Nathan. I don't feel good anymore. I feel like sitting on the couch more than I feel like doing.... well ANYTHING. I have a line across my stomach at the bottom of my ribs where my skin folds in half while I'm slouching at the computer. My ass is 40" around, and my thighs are 25 inches around. 6 years ago my WAIST was 25 inches around. I could run to the barn and back, now I can hardly run up my stairs. My knees hurt because I'm heavier. Nate and I are rarely intimate anymore partially because I hate the way I look. He says it doesn't matter, that he still thinks I'm sexy, but I'm sure there's other ladies out there that agree.... I don't want to see my own self naked, I don't want to parade my bare arse around in front of you. I have cute things from Victoria's Secret that are BURIED in my closet because I just feel like a ball of dough.

I don't want to have backfat hanging over top of my jeans. I don't want to constantly be pulling my shirts down because they're riding up over my muffin top. I don't want my thighs to rub. I want to be able to feel good in my skin again. I don't want to sit around all day because I don't feel good enough to do anything except play WoW. I want to eat healthy so that I can build muscle and burn fat, improve my skin tone, make my hair healthy, and not be sore when I get the rare chance to ride my horse. I want my BMI back in the 'teens where it used to be. At LEAST under 20 if I can't make it back to 17.

I explained all of this to Nathan last night. I told him that I need his help to keep going with this. He doesn't necessarily need to go on this journey with me, but he can't keep letting me off the hook with statements like "but I like your ass". I think he's finally on board, he didn't offer me any fudge last night.

One week down, a healthy lifetime to go. Happy Sparking.
-Sin
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JRSWHIMSY 1/6/2010 1:54PM

    I so get every little thing you've said (well, my waist hasn't been 25" since I was 8 but...) But I totally get it. And you CAN do this!

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