So, it's 2010 now! I had quite mixed end of 2009, some great stuff happened but there were also problems... Mostly huge problems with my mom, who has health problems and is learning to live alone now that my brother also moved "out of the nest"... She is really possessive person, very jealous to all people I'm in contact with, even her own sisters... Well, hard person to cope with, and this December has been real tough. Today I got many insulting mobile phone messages, tried to soothe her but... Well, then I was snappy to my family and now it's feels everyone's grumpy. Oh my. I just can't make my mum happy, never, no matter how hard I try, I'm always selfish nasty person, who should have bad things happening to her for being such a terrible daughter. She has even said, when I told that don't say such things, you're my mom and I love you, that "quit that bs, love doesn't exist" and that sometimes it's hard for her to think me as her own daughter as my grandparents took so much care of me when I was small. "They stole you from me", she claims, even it was she who left me at my grandparents place for couple of months during summertimes, visiting weekends...
I don't think about this much, but today I have thought about new year, new stuff and naturally mom is one thing I'm wondering.. How can I make this year better? I've been talking to a person at our church family help center, who told I should keep my personal life as personal as possible - not telling my mom anything she could grab and use against me. Even our children's illnesses she turns to my fault, as I am a poor mom and poor wife. As a proof of that she always throws my divorce at my face. "You couldn't keep your first husband, he found better one, this second marriage of yours isn't gonna last either" and "your children are going to have loads of trouble in their life as you and your husband can't bring them up".
Sorry about me talking such depressing stuff, but today... I can't talk too much to my husband, he feels bad, my mom has even insulted him in text message she send to his phone couple of times past years. I think we would get really high watcher rates in Dr.Phil or such tv show...
This is so absurd.
Well then, maybe it IS that I am poor daughter and terrible person, who just acts like a nice person to get what she wants, a person who uses other people and is unable to love anyone, just takes advantage of others... Not that anyone else I know thinks so, but maybe I am so good actor, that only my mom sees through me... You see, I was always a demanding child, even as a baby I wanted everything, like under one year old I was already a pain in a a**, I am even a reason they divorced, as I am such a terrible person and ruined their marriage, I wonder how I did it as they divorced when I was grown up and didn't live at home anymore... And that would have been quite reasonable, as I was also the reason they got marriage, mom got pregnant accidentaly and they had to marry, my fault. Sometimes when she yells at me or sends bad things in messages, I remind her of all the bad stuff she's said - and she tells she never said anything like! If she read this, she'd tell I'm such a big liar, she has never told anything like this what I write and she can't understand how her own daughter can insult her so much... Fortunately a) she doesn't know anything about this place b) she doesn't read English very well c) she doesn't know my internet-username. I can't burst out elsewhere, so I babble here like an idiot.
So, think carefully if you read my blog or comment it, I might lure you into thinking I'm normal person - ask my mom, she tells you I'm pure evil!
That's said, I had hard time with my mom last month, and new year doesn't start any better. I'm quite tired and sad now. Fortunately in 10 days I've appointment at the church family help center, I get to talk and get good points to think about. New points of view, or maybe not new but strenght to carry on and try to be a better person, more patient with my mom and have new ideas how to get along with her.
Added: when I tried to post this entry, I got error message "no profanity". I had to look through, and I found out that those indecent words were exact words my mom has said to me.
My new year's promise: I never, NEVER talk to my kids in that way, that I promise for this new year and all the years ahead. If mom's words to her children are profanity, how can a kid become a decent, self-trusting person?
Well, I am insecure person who always feels guilty about everything, no matter why someone is grumpy I think it's my fault, I try to be nice and helpful and never let anyone down, never say no if someone asks mie something - if I say no, I feel terrible and selfish, even saying yes would have been a big inconvinience for me... I am bulimic, never recovering but having a decent stage at my illness now etc. But what I've managed to do: I haven't become cynical and bitter. I know I can be a good mom, I can be happy and I even deserve to be happy. Sad thing I can never really get good mom-daughter-relationship with my mom, sometimes everything is ok and we have good times together and then again most of the time she accuses me of all the sins in the world. I have new year wish: I hope I have more power and capability to live in peaceful co-existence with her. Please. Thank you.
And now - I get up, cook some food for family, hug kids (and dear husband, he's such a great person, I love him deeply and I am so thankful he walked into my life), and after dinner we go to sauna. How happy I am, I'm living a life I love. This is my unit, this is what matters, my family. Looking through their eyes I am important, I am needed and I am good enough.