I, like most of my gender find worms disgusting, slimy, yucky things. I usually show them the bottom of my shoes when they cross my path. Lately though, I've had a new reason to respect them. I've come to realize that the inchworm measuring the marigolds and I have something in common: METAMORPHOSIS. St. Paul the Apostle says: "All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord." The things that have been most troubling in our lives can be the catalyst for our greatest growth. Like the inchworm, humans have goals and destinations too. However, the species go about reaching them in different ways. The inchworm knows what his destination and purpose from birth; humans go through life trying to find theirs. The worm is born feeding off whatever surrounds him, trying to stay out of sight from birds and other animals that think of him as snacks and trying to avoid the dreaded shoe bottom. Assuming he makes it that far, he's ready to move on to his next stage and finds a good spot to spin his cocoon and head off to sleep. While sleeping he makes his greatest change. When he awakens, VOILA! He's a beautiful butterfly! Goal and mission accomplished!
Humans are a bit more confounded on their goals and missions. How many people(self included) do you know that can honestly say "I'm doing what I was born to do and I'm happy with it? I've only known of one person and He was the Son of God. Daddy had his future already planned before He was born and He was a good, obedient Son who submissive to God's will. The rest of us ask at some point: "What's my purpose in life? Why was I put on this earth?" I've known people who've spent years and good money on law school and medical school only to find they're happiest running a mom&pop hardware store of coffee shop. Oh, to be like the lowly inchworm!
Looking back at my 48 years of life, I think of the pain and horror of abuse, sorrows and disappointment that have come and gone. My abusers are no longer in my life and I've vowed to never let myself be treated that way again. I know disappointment and sorrow will come and go throughout life but I'm getting the strength, support and love I need to endure those trials. Like the inchworm, my progress has been slow moving at times but I persevere until I reach my destination. At times I've had to(and still do) nurture and protect myself because no one else has. At middle age I'm finally in my "cocoon stage" but I'm not sleeping!
I've earned a living and made a name and reputation for myself as a good musician but Meniere's Disease has robbed me of most of my hearing so the music's no longer possible. The piano's still there and I tinker from time to time. I'll always be grateful to God for the talent and allowing me to bring happiness to someone through music. He also allowed me to inspire and motivate others by teaching them to play piano, violin and singing. Some of my students were adults who just wanted to learn to play the piano. Others were young people, some of whom have gone on to become church musicians and music teachers themselves so concerning the goal of a music teacher, mission accomplished. I learned recently that God annoints(blesses) us to do certain things but the annointing doesn't last forever. When it's gone, don't dawdle move on until the next annointment comes. I didn't know that until I read it and I dawdled. I (figuratively speaking) donned a sackcloth, shaved my head and sat down in sackcloth and ashes greiving my loss and asking the magic question: "What's next?" I knew I was still good for something, but what? A Spark friend blew me away with his community outreach. He teaches reading to illerates, works in a soup kitchen and does countless other good deeds to help and share with others. He inspired me to work in a thrift shop and help in a soup kitchen too. He's also going to school.
Another Spark friend is a therapist and teacher who doesn't let her blindness hold her back. She's into swimming, belly dancing and exercises faithfully although we're both constantly in search of the good macaroni and cheese.
Then there's my therapist Jane who's compassion for this pitiful, confused and frustrated blogger has been a wonderful blessing. You see, Jane has more than a psychology degree, she's a woman of God with a psychology degree.
Then there's the Pine Valley Posse who won't let me give up! On that team, I've got my Big Sis, My Cuzin Dee, my Yiddish mama and my partners in crime who'll vouch for my wearabouts in case I get in trouble.
All those people mentioned above try to make me act right. I feel sorry for them!LOL
Meanwhile, the worm is turning...
The support of my family, my beautiful daughter, Jane and my spark friends all helped to bring me to this place. As I go through my day, I see others who are carrying more weight than they should and I wonder how many of them are dealing with emotional eating, having nightmares because of past pains and want to have better lives but just can't figure out what to do? My heart goes out to them because I know those feelings of frustration, despair, depression and misery. I want to help them because others have helped me. I've got 2 stubborn pounds to lose to reach my goal and I WILL reach my goal. I've also decided I want to return to school in the fall of '10 to pursue a double major in psychology and religion. I've no doubts I can do it; it's making the cheering squad I'm not sure about. Just kidding! I'm not the peppy type even on a Lexapro-caffeine combo.
So you see, maybe all my troubles, trials and struggles were my inchworm phase. The dormant, cocoon stage is for my current growth and change. When I awaken, I'll be a brand new, beautifully blessed butterfly! You can just call me "Air 'Nee Nee"!
The next time you see a slimy, disgusting worm inching along, think of me-well my blog, your own journey and our missions, goals and destinations. You don't want anyone to step on you and that worm doesn't want to be stepped on either. Show some kindness and let him live. I know I'll never kill another worm.
This blog is dedicated to:
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit who keep making a way for me.
My beautiful daughter who loves her nutty as a fruitcake, drama queen mama and who's made the last 27 years of my life much happier.
Jane, you've helped me to come so far in such a short amount of time. Blessings and peace to you always. We've still got a Snickers Cake to bake!
Melissa, who's just an awe-inspiring Belle
Greg who's shown me that not all men named Greg are the bad guy.
And finally, the Pine Valley Posse, my partners in crime who won't let me give up and die. Thanks for the laughs, love and encouragement.
Much love, Cassandra