Saturday, December 26, 2009
I don't know what's happening to me this week, but it seems this alwasy happens to me in cycles. I am very blue, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, it all feels the same. I cannot seem to get out of this slump. I am angry, sad, and just tired.
This week has been a culmination of things finally reaching a peak. Done with classes for the semester, but the stress of trying to get all my final papers done was ridiculous. The only day I have "free" is Sunday where my son's father is supposed to come over and take my son for the day, but all he does it end up sitting around my house and there's no way for me to get anything done nevermind trying to relax and have time for myself. The libraries aren't even open on Sunday so i can't even hide out there. Somehow, I managed to throw the papers together at the very last minute and got good grades.
I aslo didn't get to get everything I wanted to buy people for Christmas because my 2 yr old makes it impossible to shop and look around and again, my son's father didn't come through because he had other commitments. It seems like we always come last in his book and I don't get the help or support i need which leaves me feeling very angry and frustrated. I have tried time and time to talk to him about it but he'll be better for about a week or two and then it's back to being Mr. Undependable again. I have no one else that I could leave my son with for 1-2 hrs to do anything. I love my son very much, but being that he is 2 and what the Dr. has called "spirited" which is a nice way of saying challenging and defiant, I am extremely stressed. He is going through stage the last year where he hits, kicks, or bites me when he is mad or doesn't get his way and it is not getting any better even though I do discipline and use timeouts.
I'm not sure why i feel the need to type all this out publicly right now but maybe it will help me get a little release and some of these feelings off my chest. This stress and lack of time for myself is taking away from my exercise time and contirbutes to my emotional late night binging. Stress is definitely the main source of my unhealthy ways. And the worst part is, in my head I know what I'm supposed to , but I can't get my head to do the work to help myself when I need it most.
I hope that no one else feels as alone as I do right now because it is not a good feeling at all and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.