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    JUS911   62,313
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Not feeling Good

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I don't know what's happening to me this week, but it seems this alwasy happens to me in cycles. I am very blue, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, it all feels the same. I cannot seem to get out of this slump. I am angry, sad, and just tired.

This week has been a culmination of things finally reaching a peak. Done with classes for the semester, but the stress of trying to get all my final papers done was ridiculous. The only day I have "free" is Sunday where my son's father is supposed to come over and take my son for the day, but all he does it end up sitting around my house and there's no way for me to get anything done nevermind trying to relax and have time for myself. The libraries aren't even open on Sunday so i can't even hide out there. Somehow, I managed to throw the papers together at the very last minute and got good grades.

I aslo didn't get to get everything I wanted to buy people for Christmas because my 2 yr old makes it impossible to shop and look around and again, my son's father didn't come through because he had other commitments. It seems like we always come last in his book and I don't get the help or support i need which leaves me feeling very angry and frustrated. I have tried time and time to talk to him about it but he'll be better for about a week or two and then it's back to being Mr. Undependable again. I have no one else that I could leave my son with for 1-2 hrs to do anything. I love my son very much, but being that he is 2 and what the Dr. has called "spirited" which is a nice way of saying challenging and defiant, I am extremely stressed. He is going through stage the last year where he hits, kicks, or bites me when he is mad or doesn't get his way and it is not getting any better even though I do discipline and use timeouts.

I'm not sure why i feel the need to type all this out publicly right now but maybe it will help me get a little release and some of these feelings off my chest. This stress and lack of time for myself is taking away from my exercise time and contirbutes to my emotional late night binging. Stress is definitely the main source of my unhealthy ways. And the worst part is, in my head I know what I'm supposed to , but I can't get my head to do the work to help myself when I need it most.

I hope that no one else feels as alone as I do right now because it is not a good feeling at all and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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SPARKLINGDAWN 1/5/2010 12:12PM

    Dear JUS911
I am still married - but maybe I should not be... On the other hand, my husband is a sales representative, så he is rarely home. Which makes it manageable. I think venting out frustrations is important. Because the angry mouse is sitting down there in the stomack creating coldness and bitterness and deep frustrations, and it feels like the only way to make it shut up is to pour something down there that creates a warm feeling and makes the frustrations go away. So being in or out of a marriage does not seem to be the thing that makes the huge difference.
So maybe he from time to time "have other commitments". But sometimes it seems as he does show up for the son - right?. Now those days are days where he then "sits around in the house". What if that would be a day that YOU unfortunately had "other commitments"?. Do you have close friends? Maybe you do, and maybe your life does not really leave time and space for that these years. But does it really have to be with other people? Do you have to tell him with whom you have the commitment? Could your commitment be just to be with your self for 6 hours out somewhere in the nature, with a book if it is hot enough to sit, or in boots, parkacoat with a thermo flask of hot tea and a sandwich? And just walk to the end of the world and back again? Please note, some busses/trains do reach out to nature if you do not own a car. Sometimes we forget that, because we normally use these for transport to and from work!
Could you over time train the father to not expect that you were there to take care of it all while he is enjoying the "quality time" with his son? Does he live long away? Then you obviously need to set his expectations right before he arrives, so he is not stuck with a 2 year old outside your door and no place planned to go, cinema, mall or the like.
You need to make longterm strategic plans for yourself for the next couple of years. You have a wonderful son. These kids are direct mirrors of what we send out. The more surpluss we have as parents, the more easy they are to manage. Have you been out flying lately? Probably not - I do fly - often - for business. I often hear the following: "Remember to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting anybody else". Now do I live according to that? Apparently not - else I would not have shown up here again to try to get hold on my life and stressrelated overeating. But that does not change the fact that I know what I SHOULD do emoticon
You could set a goal for yourself that for each new father/son event, you had "commitments" that certainly cannot be cancelled. A 2 year old is quite robust, so unless you are worried about the father hitting the kid or loosing temper there is absolutely no reason for you to be there to oversee it all, no other reason that he is lazy or out of the habit with knowing what to do with a 2 year old. But there is lots of stuff one can do with these kids. Collect things from the wood, make animals out of with sticks and stuff, the zoo, cinema etc. If he has no ideas then make a list of suggested items for him to give him a kick start. I am sure that other people on these sites could come up with things to do with toddlers - so you can get out of your house, and get some time for yourself. And there is other stuff than TV! - even in the US!. And the rest is about planning. And THAT I both know about and I live it emoticon . I am responsible for 2 kids - today they are older, but they were just the same age once. And also at that time a father travelling most of the year. Christmas gifts does not have to be bought in december, all year around is fine, also at sales. Internet shopping is becoming easier. The trick is to have a list and put on the items already bought, so you do not forget during the year and by more. Because then it ends up being an expensive strategy. But else, it could end up being an economic strategy. I buy stuff for family and friends when I travel to places where things are cheaper than in my own country. I have a place to store it, I put tags on it - but I do not wrap it up before Christmas time (memory issue!).
But this was not with the intention of planning your next Christmas for you - this is about you walking forward in your life. If you meet a wall you can either stand there walking and walking but not getting anywhere - or you can walk 3 steps backwards and analyse if there is another way around it, or tools to climb it with.
You need to create a plan for not getting insane by being boxed up with a 2 year old for the next 16 years. Well apparently he will not be 2 years all the time, but believe me, age changes but challenges does as well, some parents are lucky that challenges end when the kids move out, other parents find themselves still stuck in the glue, so better figure it out now than in 6 year from now, with more pounds to fight. I fully understand that a library would be great for you to get the piles of papers done, and getting rid of the backlog. If that is not possible, then the next best thing is to fill up your own gasoline tank. And woods, rivers, beaches and other cheap stuff do not close during weekends, but it generates more value in your mind and body, and energy to carry on. Remember, using the oxygen mask for yourself is not about not doing for others what you would like to do, or fulfilling your commitments and addressing all the things that you ought to do. It is about being able to survive and do it for others. I would like you to write me the first time you succeed in having an appointment with the most important person in your life - and how it went. emoticon Would you do that for me? emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/5/2010 12:22:48 PM

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TEDDYTEDDY 12/26/2009 11:21AM

    I went through divorce and had a goal of keeping my house (which I still have 20 years after the divorce), but now I am married again for 10 years and there are days when I regret having married the second time. The kids are grown up and gone years ago but my present husband is in his "second childhood," and it seems that I will finally have to sell the house and have no idea what the next step will be after that.

I recall when I had two kids in diapers I was tired all the time and I think the stress of dealing with the caretaking is what does it....My first husband was also very bossy and dependent at the same time so he wore me out, too.

At present I am dealing with a 74-year-old whose memory is going and that is a lot like taking care of kids, except I do leave him alone still and I am anxious about how much longer I can do that, even though I am still working.

I guess at every stage in life we have challenges and having support from other people is important even if it is only through email or sparkpeople...
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/26/2009 11:22:17 AM

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CHRIS3215 12/26/2009 10:56AM

    Yeah me too. This time of year isnt good for me either. I KNOW about the DEADBEAT father is about I went through it too. My daughter is also married to a deadbeat, I just dont know either. It's sad when the father of the child has 'OTHER' commitments. it's good that you come here & blog out your feelsings. we all will help as mush as we all can for you.. I'm here for ya 'WE" can help one another..Try & be strong.. ;-) emoticon

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ANNIESHEART 12/26/2009 10:51AM

    Venting often helps me get my thoughts together, and posting here is a great way to vent. So, if posting helps you take out some frustrations, do it as often as you like. It's much better than beating yourself up by overeating or turning to unhealthy alternatives that, in the end, will only make you feel worse.

The important thing is that you not beat yourself up when you're feeling down. And heading for the kitchen to make yourself feel better is a way of beating yourself up.

Good for you for coming here instead. Stay positive, do something that makes you feel good about yourself - take a walk, and remember these down times will soon turn around. Life is full of things to be happy about, like your beautiful son. Try to focus on those things.

Best of luck. Annie



Comment edited on: 12/26/2009 10:54:33 AM

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BUTTERRUM163 12/26/2009 10:47AM

    I too get stressed and down this time of year, lately.

Kick Mr. Dead beat dad out when he comes to pick up your son. The only reason he hangs out at your house during his time w/your son is so he doesn't have the responsibility of caring for him. When the deadbeat gets there do not even let him in, have your son ready and hand your son to deadbeat when you open the door.

Then you will have some free time on Sunday to do whatever.

Hang in there it gets better, this is a temporary period.

Sent a prayer of strength for you.

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JEANSHEP2 12/26/2009 10:42AM

    It's good to vent, especially to those who have no personal connection to you. That makes it so you are not worried about it coming back to your ears from some insensitive person.

Do not fret -- this time of year, it happens to all of us. Determine to start a new day without all the baggage from the day before! Good luck, and God bless.

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CARMEL466 12/26/2009 10:39AM

    I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this down period. I will send up some prayers for you. Hold on! emoticon

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