Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Ive been MIA lately - Ive been MIA from myself too.
After the last blog, I "checked out" a bit, I didnt want to have any other realizations, so I've laid really low, I didnt really want to go any deeper or feel any more pain. So Ive been lazy, lazy, lazy, I havent even logged into my meeting myself blog in about two weeks, and Ive been pretty inconsistent here with my daily spark point target.
Now, because I wasnt busy with the things that have usually been keeping me busy I started "busy-ing" myself with the problems of my friends. When in doubt - shift focus! I reverted to the "comfort" of the life I had been living for so long. The life where I can hide, and I dont have to really take care of me, I just have to be very nice to and take care of other people, maybe do one thing to feel like Im alive every now and then. Comfortable? yes. Happy or fulfilled? - not a chance. I miss what has recently become my normal. I think Im just about ready to pick it up and push through, but the weight loss journey is not the only journey Im on - it's just one of a few.
MS can cause memory issues, and I can't ignore any longer that my memory simply is not what it used to be, I cant cook without a timer very much anymore because I will forget Im cooking. I cannot do my leslie sansone 3 mile walk without not being able to move by the time Im done, and it's not because Im out of breath, it's because I cant really lift my legs at the end. It's scary.
Im dealing with spacticity (stiffness), tremors, and a memory that's not interested in keeping up with me in addition to trying to maintain (at least) my weight, and I have so far though Thanksgiving and everything! Im happy for that!
Something else that happened that I wrote about but didnt post at all is that I was published nationally in the NMSS's quarterly magazine. My dr was beside herself with happiness, and excitement. I think she might have been more excited than I was. I am/was happy -but Im not sure I absorbed it very much. I didnt relish in it, I didnt really celebrate it. That little nit picky editor in my head keeps on saying - it's not a big deal.
I gave one copy to my dr, and another copy to my uncle who also has MS, and I shared it with my sister and 3 of my friends.
I am happy about it, because if you told me last year that I wouldve had the motivation to write anything for the magazine, I wouldnt have believed it I credit SP for that. For giving me the little boost of confidence I needed to send my article to the magazine. Im happy because I got to read some of the responses to the article and they were touching beyond anything I couldve even hoped for. And, perhaps that's the way in which Im most happy, Im happy that someone, somewhere read something I wrote and said - I understand this - I feel like this too. I thought I was the only one. Thank you for letting me know Im not alone.
I wish the MS society had a Spark People like environment.
The support that I recieve from all of you keeps me going, and I thank you for it. Thanks for letting me know Im not alone in this.