Saturday, December 12, 2009
I had a bad argument with my father and part of me feels really bad and broken and relieved and awake. For the first time I feel like I understand why I always feel less than and not worthy and unloveable. I have always done things to work towards the feeling better about who I am but just have struggled and really never believed it. Well I lost it and said things I probably shouldn't have said, but I unleashed 40 yrs of anger and didn't even realize the amount of pain the I uncovered. It has taken me a week to want to even want to go on, but I do. The pain that my soul has felt unbearable but I am ok and I am not sedating myself with any food or substance. I wanted to because I felt like I have never felt to my memory. The one thing I felt 6 yrs old and I invisioned me rocking this little girl telling her she is ok and loveable and it is going to be ok and that her dad is sick but I will not allow him to abuse myself or my family anymore. It is amazing how the emotions from when a little girl came flooding back and the memories with it and I know that is when I was told nothing was ever good enough, unloveable, and there was no unconditional love in my family. There still isn't because with my folks there is always conditions to be loved and accepted and you are always considered someone else's problem. Well for the first time I believe things are going to be ok. My mom and I had a nice talk and we both agreed to work on particular issues and I was honest. I feel like I honored and stood up for the little girl hurt inside me. For the first time in my life I feel I will get past this. I know there will be more pain and growing to do, but I will be ok and I will survive and I will lose my weight. For the first time I really believe this.