Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Wow. I just re-read that blog entry from April 2007 and all I can say is Wow. Not much has changed in 2 years! At that point I had been working with a trainer for about 2 months so I had lost *some* weight but not a lot. My weight now is probably very close to what it was then (maybe just a little lower now). I'm in the "I can't do this" rut again, but my rationale is different this time.
This time it's because I took a year off. In that year, I gained back approximately 15 pounds of the 39 I worked so very hard to lose. I'm trying to get back into a good, healthy routine and I'm finding out that it's HARD. Part of me feels like I missed my window... I blew the chance that I had 2 years ago. I made such positive changes and I was doing SO WELL. For the first time in a long time, I didn't completely hate myself every time I looked in a mirror. I actually felt CUTE from time to time. I was back in a size 12 jeans and was very close to fitting into a size 10.
And then I quit. I sat on a plateau for several months, not gaining but not losing even with working out 3 times a week, and I got complacent. I convinced myself that I didn't need a trainer anymore and could do it on my own. I COULD have, but I didn't. I got lazy and unmotivated and before I knew it, it had been 6 months since I had set foot in my gym (even after renewing my contract AND adding my husband and son as members).
So now here I am. Not quite back to square one but feeling worse than if I were. Because now I've had a taste of it... now I KNOW that I *can* do it, I'm just *not* doing it. In 2007 it was very easy to convince myself that I was just not physically capable of losing the weight and looking better. Now I know that's not so, and it hurts. It hurts to look in the mirror and see that tummy pooch again. It hurts to have to wear size 14 jeans instead of size 12. It hurts to look at my old Before & After picture and wish with all my heart that I still looked like the "After" girl.
I will be 40 next April. I absolutely can NOT turn 40 and still feel this way about myself. I just can't. So I've hired a trainer again and I'm working out regularly again and I'm going to try to get back on track. I don't want to settle for sitting on the plateau I reached in 2008... I want to keep pushing and eventually hit my goal weight (which I haven't seen since approximately 1990 when I was 20). But I tell you what... it's HARD this time around. I'm doing exercises that are not nearly as difficult as what I was doing a year ago and I am *struggling*. I keep hoping that my body will soon remember that I used to do this all the time and that, one day, it will be easier. It's only been two weeks so I need to give it more time. It's just very difficult. I'm very hard on myself, and this is as much a mental battle as it is a physical one.
But I'm trying.