Thursday, December 03, 2009
I don't have many fears (not trying to sound like a tuff girl, it's just that I love spiders, rats, mice, flying and heights don't bother me) but the few I do have seem to cripple me. The only way to take care of them is to hit them head-on. One of the things I do when I'm really terrified is keep it inside. I don't tell my fiance, my friends, my trainer, no one knows except me. Because in my mind, saying it out loud makes it real. But it is real anyway. So here it goes, my biggest fear on the web for the world to see..... I'm terrified that I won't reach my weight goals and fit into my wedding gown. I tried on a 14 in the store which almost fit and because it can be altered 2 sizes up or down I ordered a 14 knowing darn well that I'm busting my butt working out and eating better. Plus the fact that the first alterations would be a whole 6 months away which IF I lose weight consistently, I'll be ready for.
So what happens after I order the dress? I bust my freakin knee. My knee cap pops out then quickly back in causing loads of pain and alot of recovery. That was 3 weeks ago and I can finally move my knee again even though it still hurts to do alot of things. So I'm easing back into the cardio and training. But what if the rest of my recovery goes slow and I can't get my cardio intensity back up to it's old level for another couple weeks? That's precious time ticking away. What if this gown has to be let out in 6 months? I'll cry! And what if I hurt something else? Murphys Law follows me EVERYWHERE, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when I have something critical coming up. I'm furious, I'm aggravated, I'm pissed, I'm frustrated, I'm terrified, I'm depressed......my brain has become an electricity storm of emotions. This is when I have to put up or shut up, I need to get my eating under much better control (I slip) and I need to do exactly what I'm physically capable of and not push my knee. I'm doing my damndest to remain positive and not let me defeat myself. But thats so hard. Normally I'm positive to a fault. I feel hopeless, if this is all in my head then how do I override the negative thoughts? I'm not the type of person that whines or feels sorry for herself which is also why I never said this out loud. I'm letting this eat away at me, I'm allowing myself to slip, how do I make it stop?!