Wednesday, December 02, 2009
I discovered Sparks in October and jumped into it with both feet and lost 8 lbs in a month. Then in November I had stalled and got disgusted and just gave up. Well the lovely result is I've put it all back on plus! Ugh!
I punish myself with food. It's a terrible life long cycle I've been in that I just keep repeating over and over again. I know all the right things to do and eat. I know how to get results. It's harder to lose now than it used to be but I lost 40lbs last year.,( which I have ALL back on).If I eat right and exercise I feel good and like myself. If I eat crap I feel good while I'm eating it, but pay the HUGE price of self loathing that sets the cycle up to do it over and over again until I end up here, fatter than before and ashamed.
I have a girlfriend who lost 60 lbs last year and gloated horribly. She's also a smoker. I quit smoking 4 years ago and promptly put on 30 lbs. I have always battled with weight but was able to keep my weight gains down to 20 lbs or less and easily lost it. I would just smoke more. Now I'm 50 lbs overweight, not smoking but really struggle with eating sugar and carbs since then. My friend tried to lecture me about putting the weight back on. I told her to talk to me after she quits smoking, but until then BACK OFF!
I wish that I wasn't so obsessed about this. I wish that I didn't put so much value on how heavy I am or what size jeans I'm wearing. I would like to change my consciousness. I would like to eat only what my body needs to maintain it's weight. I would like to WANT to exercise every day. I would like to have strength and energy. I would like to NOT crave sugar and carbs constantly. I would like to not go through every single day without OBSESSING about how I look and worrying about someone I know seeing me this way.
So, here I go again. I'm back here. Talking about it again and hoping that I will eventually stick with the changes that I keep making. I don't want to get any bigger. I don't want to buy new jeans yet again. I don't want to gain any more during the holidays either.