Monday, November 30, 2009
Ughh..I’m usually not the type to feel envious of other people. I’m pretty confident. I don’t know what it is but I feel very insecure about my looks lately. I look at the mirror and I feel hideous. And it doesn’t help that my friends are all taller and skinnier with great complexion. They’re naturally that way, never had to work hard for their bodies. I’m east African and east African women are known for their slim figures, tiny waists and high cheekbones (well.. I do have the high cheekbones). I started staring at the mirror and picking on my imperfections. I can’t talk to my friends about it because they’ll tell me that I’m crazy for even thinking such thoughts. And it doesn’t help that my fiancée’s definition of beauty is skinny. He’ll say so and so is so gorgeous with such intense honesty but I look at the same girl and she is just an average skinny girl! We’ve been together for a very long time and he’s been with me even when I was way heavier than I’m now and NEVER criticized me or told me to lose weight. He always told me I was pretty. But now that I’m doing something about my weight, he feels like he can be “honest” with me and give me compliments that are really upsetting to me. The other day, we were watching one of those reality shows where women compete to lose weight and one of the women lost a LOT of weight and I was like “oh she looks so much better now. And she lost so much” and he was like “You lost another person. You look hot now. Sometimes, I can’t believe you’re the same person. Even my mom asked me what you did.” And then, he hugged me and said “Good job sweetheart.” I wanted to cry because I only lost about 28lbs in a year. Was I that huge and ugly? I can’t even celebrate it because everyone is noticing it and I feel like they’re all saying “God, you were FAT before. Thank God, you did something about it.” Ugh.. I just wanted to whine a bit. Maybe it is my period or something. But I’m driving myself crazy!