(of course they only usually show us pictures of really happy people exercising, amirite?)



We are fighting one of the ugliest, most grueling, terrifying, embarassing and life-changing battles that most people in our lives would not, or could not, understand. We are the enemy that we face in every reflective surface and every corner of our mind. We are the ally that greets us every morning before we even open our eyes. It's sometimes a toxic and exhausting trio to live inside of.

We can end up fighting with ourselves in about 96 battles each day because something can come up every 15 minutes. Fight with a boss/SO/child and we could end up pissed off and shrugging off a workout, or rebelliously stalking into Burger King, ready to give up on everything that mattered so much to us 5 minutes ago. Get sick for 3 days and then just never go back to our routine. Get PMS and eat alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllll the chocolate in the house. Come home from a workout in pain, knees aching, muscles sore, old injuries mocking our efforts, ashamed of the tears that burn worse because we feel we are disappointing ourselves. Find ourselves home alone, for hours, and end up sinking into the most destructive and negative self-hatred that we would readily and almost eagerly believe- but never admit to.



Losing weight and/or growing strong is about so much more than caloric deficits and the simple physics of muscles contracting and hearts pumping. It's about more than regularly flushing your sweat glands, picking up heavy things repeatedly in strange positions, and jumping around your livingroom in laughable choreography but without a trace of a smile because getting in shape is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

It's painful, it's exhausting, it's ugly, it's STINKY, it hurts, it sucks, it's dangerous- but that's all physical and easy to complain about.



On top of all that (as if we masochists just can't get enough) it's also filled with facing shame, standing up to our fears, raising our self-discipline to standards that seem unreachable, swallowing embarassment, saying STFU to the negative voice in your head that poisons your healthy view of yourself. We have to work as hard as possible at something that takes a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time to pay us back with results. If we work hard to save money- and we add money to our piggy bank- guess what- there is instantly more money in the pig. If we work our ass off for 26 minutes on the stair climber in the gym because the easier machines that we love were all taken, and then go stand on the scale- guess what- you probably weigh more, just because this war is an EVIL one.

(where is she going with this? This is freakin DEPRESSING)

Bear with me.

We get overwhelmed. I have how many hundred pounds to lose? (Whether it's 200 or 50 it feels like 200). It's going to take how long? I have to count everything? I'll never make it!

This is a war, yes. But we have battles constantly raging, so who says you cannot start over every stinking Monday?

Are you going to lose all the hard work you already put in? NO. Are you going to lose the mistakes you made over the weekend? YES! (in a way- you can let them go from your conscience and start over with a clean slate- taking with you only the lessons you learned!)

I have to start over all the time. I've lost about 45 lbs. Sometimes I hit plateaus. Sometimes I lose 5 lbs in a week (fingers crossed for one of those next week). Sometimes, sigh, I gain it all back in what seems like minutes, even if I did nothing wrong. Sometimes I just give up. But every time I start over, I bring new knowledge with me. And I'm not talking about knowledge from the Health A-Z articles (well, sometimes)- I mean knowledge about myself.

There are the physical challenges (whether it's finally swallowing your pride and walking over to pick up a pair of free weights in the gym, or tying up your sneakers and heading brave-faced out your front door) and the calorie counting (sometimes with joy- sometimes with regret) but there are also the dark private battles raging inside your mind.

We would never wish that kind of endless and unceasing struggle on anyone. So we have to remember the things that, though fewer and rarer than the ugly, painful and stinky, outweigh all of the darkness. As humans (I want to believe) we are all hanging on for the good stuff.

When you realise you've just broken your record time on the elliptical machine... and you aren't ready to stop.

When you've gone from the couch to your 5K and now you FINALLY know what it feels like to feel the wind in your hair and you are full-on RUNNING.

When you get home from grocery shopping and run inside because you need to pee soooooooo bad and you yank down your jeans and immediately after you sigh in relief realize that you neither unbuttoned nor UNZIPPED them.

When you are dying of thirst and you walk to the fridge and push aside the bottle of Coke to get the water bottle you put in there earlier. (The one that no one else in the house will touch because they know it's YOURS)

When you go all day and never log one single food item into spark people, but you can guess your calorie total for the day within about 50-75 calories because eating smarter has become FIRST nature.

When you forget your keys and run inside and up the stairs and into your room and back down the hall and back to your car and jump in and put on your seatbelt and realise that you aren't DYING and out of breath.

When you first walk past a mirror, and then BACK UP and CHECK YOURSELF OUT.

Go ahead... FLEX.

You win.


(^ he's a winner)

You may not be at 'goal weight' or exactly where you want to be. But you don't have to get to the END to win. You can win every week. You can win every day even if it's just once. You win every time your thinking goes in the right direction. You win every time you made a smart or healthy decision. You realllllllllly win when you start making those decisions all the time. Then you can finish much easier, because the darker battles are fewer and conquered and the enemy is laid to waste.

I had only about 2/3 of what my lowest caloric goal should be. And I had a crap lunch and a Cherry Coke. For dinner, hell, I had a beer! I have a head cold. I can't run because I can't breathe. But you know what, I drank alot of OJ and I laid on the floor and forced myself to do 250 crunches (not situps- let's not get ahead of ourselves- CRUNCHES) and 10 sets of 15 on my arms. Guess what? I win. nannernanner

I want all of you to get out there and stop freaking beating yourselves up every time you stumble. You're human. You are far from perfect and never will be and you are the only person putting that perfect expectation on your shoulders. (If anyone else is, they are so far deluded that they will never be happy- so just let it go).

People tell you all the time that it doesn't matter how many times you fall, as long as you get up, right? Well who cares how many times you lose a battle, as long as you can find a way to win JUST ONE every day.

Starting over takes more guts than clinging to your pride until your motivation is depleted, your self-esteem is broken at your feet and you've become BFFs with Kleenex. That's just no way to win.

I'm starting over today, because I've started slipping because of serious stress in my life, which is my number one enemy in my personal war against the 'unhealth'. I don't want this battle to kill me, so I'm starting the war all over again. Letting go of all my guilt over any imperfections and bad calls in my last battle. That's over. This is a new war.

And this one will be short. Because I can ALLLLLLLMOST fit into these:



My Delia's Size 13 (women's 10) jeans. These perfect Dollhouse jeans that are hanging on my wall just waiting for me, with their seductive 37 inch inseam and beautiful copper tint. Oh man, I am gonna look so HOT in those!

Almost.

I'm not going to be the biggest loser, ever, but I'm going to win ALL THE TIME.