Monday, November 16, 2009
I've noticed the changes that are taking place in me since I've begun to gain weight back. It was so much fun and exciting with I first started to realize the changes happening when I was losing weight. The little things like feeling that there wasn't as much fat around my elbows or feeling that my face was slimmer or even being able to tell my hips were not so prominent. Well, in the same way I could tell I was losing weight, I now can tell I'm putting it back on and it hurts me to think that I've not been as honest with myself about this.
I've blamed personal struggles and a difficult job, but the fact is that if I'd used those negative things and put them into a workout, I may have ended up feeling better about things. But I didn't. I basically gave up and let myself go. I've not looked at my scale in months. I've been afraid to see what it says, so I've just told myself it couldn't have moved that much. When my mom asked how much I've gained back, I've made estimations of 10 pounds or so...but the truth...that number is closer to 20. I know some of it is water weight that will go away quickly with time, but when I stepped on that scale this morning and saw that number. I was horrified. I told myself I wouldn't go back to that. I told myself that when I started to see that number go up I'd do something about it. And the truth is, that for as much as I've told myself I'll make a difference, I've not been fighting for it yet. My workouts continue to be scattered. I have good intentions when I write down my calorie intake for breakfast, but I don't follow through the rest of the day. The sugars call my name at 10 at night and instead of finding something else to do with my time, I go for the kitchen. I am disappointed in myself. I was named a SparkPeople Motivator at one time and people were telling me they looked to me for motivation and inspiration. I've let myself down.
Now this may sound like a pitty party, but honesty really is the best medicine for me right now. Being tough on myself is the best medicine. So, I'm going to change my progress scale to truely reflect where I am in my weight loss even though it pains me to see the "I lost 40 pounds with SparkPeople" picture next to it. I will leave that, because it is true. At one time I did it and I will do it again.