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I need an intervention I can't shake this funk

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hey fellow sparkers. I am so not in a good space right now I am in this funk and I can't shake it but I am trying.

Here's a little background info.

I just finished nursing school in September so that is a good thing I pass boards last friday so I'm officially a nurse. Well this should make me extremely happy right? Well it does but the other issues in my life are overshadowing my joy. 2 1/2 years ago I gave birth to twins extremely premature I was only 25 1/4 weeks when I went into labor. By the time I reached the hospital I was already to far along (labor wise) to do anything so I was prepped for an emergency c-section. April 27, 2007 I delivered two boys 1lb 15oz and 1 lb 5 oz, I have never been so scared in my life and happy at the same time. You see I was happy they came out screaming but terrified because they were born so early. Two months after their birth my eldest son Broderick passed away due to complications from being born so early. So now I worrying about one son while planning a funeral for the other. I have no idea how I made it through other than by the grace of God. In July of 2007 Brandon came home with several monitors and the "misile" as I like to call it because it was this huge oxygen tank strategically placed in my living room. Anyway I prayed and prayed over my son and God healed him so he no longer needed those monitors and the missile was finally able to be carted away.

Well things were going well for Brandon, Broderick Sr. and myself at least for awhile. In Febuary 2008 after I had been in school less than a month and all the sudden I find myself no longer in a relationship heading to the alter but thrust into being a single parent. I don't know if the stress of having the babies so early and then the untimely death of our eldest child and the lack of adult time is what ultimately drove us apart. I'm still wondering what in the world happened. I have been on this rollercoaster ride of emotion for far to long and today things got even worse.

My son is in all kind of special services due to the fact of him being born so early. Both his father and I took him to his play date and it finally hit me square in the face how far behind he truly is. Don't get me wrong it is a miracle that he is alive and breathing and doing what he can do but seeing what he can't do but should be doing makes me feel like a failure as a parent somehow. I feel completely alone with this and the one person that should understand sometimes acts like he is in denial about the whole situation. I need to find a job so I can financially support myself and my son but the last few months that I have left his developmental care in the hands of his father our son has fallen farther behind.

I am so conflicted as to which direction to go I know I can't do this alone but I feel like I have no choice. I chose to write this blog because I sat down and evaluated myself yesterday even before today's events. Everytime I get sad I grab some chocolate whenever I get angry I run to the fridge when I'm bored I grab some chips and the list goes on and on. I am an extreme emotional eater and the last few days I have done a number on myself and have not exercised at all minus something here and there.

I do know one thing I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being in this funk. I'm tired of pretending like everything in my life is okay. What I do know is I need an intervention before I get completely swept up in this sea of sadness.

On a happy note my Chalean Extreme was waiting on my bed when I got home. I don't know if this is part of the sign I have been praying for or what. I do know that exercise releases endorphins which make you happier so maybe Chalean is part of my much needed intervention.

So my mission is to take one day at a time and dig myself out of this whole I have placed myself in. I know God won't place more on me than I can bare. So I'm going to pray some more ask God for strength and guidance.

Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Glad you are feeling better and coming out of the funk. You have my number. Please use it if you need to. I'm praying for you.


    3048 days ago
    I first want to say thank you to everyone. I was feeling really bad yesterday about everything going on in my life. For the last 2 years it has honestly been one thing after another with me usually toward the negative. Every now and then it becomes very overwhelming and I need to vent scream cry and until yesterday eat. I took the advice of several spark friends and didn't give in. Stress is a big trigger in my life and even though I know feeding the stress monster is only going to cause me to stress more I still gave in , well no more.

    After I put the baby to sleep last night I prayed for what seemed like hours then I came back and read my blog and by then several people had already posted. I read and read all of these comments and it made me cry some more but this time these were not tears of sadness but happy tears because for the first time in a long time I didn't feel alone. I want to thank everyone again because through prayer, everyone's comments and staring hours at Brandon I feel a whole lot better. I know there is a reason for everything going on in my life right now and at the moment maybe it isn't for me to understand I just have to continue to pray about the situation.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    3049 days ago
    I know by the grace of God you got through this. Now you and your son have your whole lives ahead of you. You are very blessed and one day his father may regret his lost time but you will always have these memories and you are making new ones everyday. Any support groups in the area? You need to vent when things get too overwhelming but remember we are here. Before going on that eating binge stop for 5 minutes and hit the panic button here. Can you and your son exercise together or he can just watch Mama. Whatever, you will find a way. You are strong. I have went through some bad times and hated it when someone said that to me; I just wanted someone to take care of me and I didn't want to be strong anymore. Well at least not for a day or two. How long has it been since you had a vacation? I know how stressful nursing school is. You need to look at your achievements and see what a good and special person you are. Just remember we are always here for you.
    3049 days ago
    I am so moved by your willingness to be vulnerable, to self-assess, to ask questions and seek support. I can not even begin to imagine what it must be like to live through all of these experiences in such a short span of time. You have accomplished so much, and even though I don't yet know you, your goodness of heart, genuineness of intention and dedication to your son and yourself shine through in this posting. I don't know that I have any good answers for you (I think everyone else who has commented so far has had very wise ideas to offer...), but I look forward to hopefully meeting you through RFF and being part of a larger support group and circle of friends over time. This is an incredible journey you have been on and continue to be on. I have great faith that you and your son have many amazing things in store yet. emoticon emoticon
    3049 days ago
    You have the strength inside you because you made it through something that most people fear will do them in, the death of a child. You are strong enough to pull yourself through this and as long as you believe in yourself you will prevail. I have a friend who adopted a child from a cousin. He was a child of incest and she knew he would probably have problems. At two years old he still doesn't talk much and has other developmental delays. She found a state program called Head Start in her area where someone comes out and evaluates your child for issues. Then they put together some sort of program to help assist you in teaching your child to build in the areas where they can.

    The rest of it is just love and it sounds like you have tons of that to give. I agree with the person who said to check local agencies/state agencies to see what is available to you. There is bound to be something.

    I think the fact that you finished nursing school with all this going on is amazing. You obviously have a lot of strength.

    I wish that I had more than a hug and encouraging word for you, but the truth is getting yourself in order and pulling from the inside are what are going to get you going. Look for services in your area, get up early and start your day off with a little workout, try to make some good choices and know that you CAN control what you eat - it gives you power over your own life, register with some agencies that specialize in health care providers so that even when you aren't looking someone else is, and most of all be kind to yourself.

    You will make it into the sunshine :).
    3049 days ago
  • IOWAGAL1957
    i feel that you have the inner strength to do what you need to for yourself and your son. keep doing your best every day, small, positive steps will take you where you want to go.
    3049 days ago
  • FIT_BY40
    I am amazed that you went through nursing school through all of this and I applaud you.
    No matter what Brandon is a gift from God. It sounds like you need some support that you aren't getting from his father. Have you contacted perhaps 211 to find outif there are some agencies or support groups for parents of special need children, specifically premature children? None of us can truly understand what you are going through more than someone who has endured it as well, especially the lost of your other son.

    You have to be strong as best you can for your little one. Think of your nutrition and exercise as training to be there for Brandon. He needs you. Look on the internet for some tips on emotional eating. I should do the same because Lord knows when I am stressed or upset I CAN EAT! I have been doing CLX three weeks and it's great. I think it will help you to feel stronger which in turn may help you feel stronger and more capable of handling the things going on in your life.

    And don't forget, we here at SP and especially the CLX will be there for you whenever you need it. Just say the word! emoticon

    God Bless

    3050 days ago
    Crystal sweetie, I always believed one thing in life, children with special needs are gifts from God given to people that he KNOWS can handle the extra care and most importantly supply the EXTRA SPECIAL LOVE needed. Your boys had a rough entry in life, that is true, no denying it. But all you have done, been through and accomplished on their behalf proves God made no mistakes. I can't speak for your man, but I can speak for your sons because knowing the love of a child, you've done no wrong in either of thier eyes. Broderick Jr. felt your love the moment he took his first breath and his last. Brandon knows your love each and everytime you smile, laugh and hold him. Though he's a bit behind right now, don't let it get you down, you both will come out ahead I promise you, your spirits are too strong for it to happen any other way, just Remember it's in GOD's time. He's got you. He's there for you, always has been and always will be.
    You have to take care of yourself though, by taking care of you (ensuring that you are healthy) you are taking care of Brandon too, so step away from the dang chips and chocolate, you've had your woe is me time, now it's time to do the SEE HOW STRONG MOMMY REALLY IS THANG! I believe in you, I want to see you achieve your physical best, your occupational best and your mental best.
    Take care hon, I've got you! I know you're strong and you can and will break this funk! Oh and come on, you said we'd do this Chalean Extreme together, since I am on the injured list right now, you have a chance of catching up with me emoticon ,
    3050 days ago
  • DENISE245
    The only thing I know for sure is that God is in control. He knows your every need, desire, hope, and dream. Put it in His hands. That doesn't mean you'll then have the perfect life, but I pray He will give you peace and comfort and the strength you need to push on.

    You'll be in my prayers. emoticon
    3050 days ago
    Praise God you have finished nursing and passed the boards. You are very young to have to bury a little one. It was so sad to see that. I can not tell you know how you feel because I don't but I will pray for you and your situation. My heart goes out to you and Brandon. Be strong and courageous, keep walking with the Lord. Scriptures tell us he will never leave us or forsake us.
    3050 days ago
    Hope things improve for you and your son. Don't think that you are alone. I'm praying that things will improve you and your young son.
    3050 days ago
    Wow. You seem so young to have so much on your plate, but as someone told me in an email (and I HATE chain emails), God's will will never take you where God's grace will not sustain you.

    As a mother, I know it is heartbreaking to realize that there is something going on with your child. Something that makes him "less than perfect." It opens up a lot of feelings of guilt inside, doesn't it? And honestly, even if you ask yourself, was it something I did when I was pregnant or something I didn't do, the answer would be that it was not your fault.

    You don't say what is going on with your child developmentally, but please get help and support. If your son's father can't be that person, so be it. Maybe in time he'll get to where you are. Maybe not.

    I used to work for United Cerebral Palsy; my agency ran a preschool for children with disabilities. I have never in my life seen parents with so much love and hope for their children. Not knowing what's going on with your son, I would strongly encourage you to seek out other parents who understand what you are going through.

    I'm glad that you passed your boards and have your nursing career ahead of you! That's exciting. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

    Best to you.
    3050 days ago
    I don't know you, but I was very touched by your story. I am praying for you, and I KNOW that you are super friggin strong. The sun WILL come out. You will heal, you will find your way. Don't give up hope. I, too am an Emotional eater, and I KNOW what that feels like. If you can, try reminding yourself that the food actually makes you feel more sad. Remember, "This too shall pass" I wish you all happiness and success. You are so on the right path--Good for you! emoticon
    3050 days ago
    WOW. The path that life has led you on has been tough, tragic and building all at the same time. How in the world have you managed to persevere? Like you said, He will not put more on you than you can bear. What does that mean? YOU are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You live for your son, you press on because he needs you, you need you, others depend on you.

    You have made a tragic situation amazing, you have made yourself better by going to school and not only going to school, FINISHING school.

    Sounds like you are an emotional eater like I am. So what do we do best? When things seem to be going ok and you feel like you have succeeded, it's time for a pity party & eat yourself into a funk so you can blame your failures on food.

    Don't do it!!!! Next time you grab for those chips, try to tell yourself that you have to do 20 jumping jacks & 20 squats before you can eat anything. If you still feel like having something, then eat well. I have used exercise as a substitute for emotional eating & it has helped. I do not always succeed, but I try.

    You have been through so much and I am amazed by your strength. I hope you gain strength from sharing your story with others. You DESERVE to be happy and you are beautiful!! You deserve to love yourself and be good to your body!!

    I LOVE Chalean Extreme, I am in week #11 of 12 weeks and it's been the first workout I have stuck to. Chalene will make you feel empowered, I guarantee that. I have muscles I never knew I had. I am 185 lbs and in a size 10 jeans (5'11"). When I lost weight 5 years ago with minimal strenth workouts, it took me until 170 lbs before I could even get into size 10 jeans. You will be leaner & stronger from doing this program.

    Okay, enough of a novel. I hope this helped.

    3050 days ago
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