Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Hey fellow sparkers. I am so not in a good space right now I am in this funk and I can't shake it but I am trying.
Here's a little background info.
I just finished nursing school in September so that is a good thing I pass boards last friday so I'm officially a nurse. Well this should make me extremely happy right? Well it does but the other issues in my life are overshadowing my joy. 2 1/2 years ago I gave birth to twins extremely premature I was only 25 1/4 weeks when I went into labor. By the time I reached the hospital I was already to far along (labor wise) to do anything so I was prepped for an emergency c-section. April 27, 2007 I delivered two boys 1lb 15oz and 1 lb 5 oz, I have never been so scared in my life and happy at the same time. You see I was happy they came out screaming but terrified because they were born so early. Two months after their birth my eldest son Broderick passed away due to complications from being born so early. So now I worrying about one son while planning a funeral for the other. I have no idea how I made it through other than by the grace of God. In July of 2007 Brandon came home with several monitors and the "misile" as I like to call it because it was this huge oxygen tank strategically placed in my living room. Anyway I prayed and prayed over my son and God healed him so he no longer needed those monitors and the missile was finally able to be carted away.
Well things were going well for Brandon, Broderick Sr. and myself at least for awhile. In Febuary 2008 after I had been in school less than a month and all the sudden I find myself no longer in a relationship heading to the alter but thrust into being a single parent. I don't know if the stress of having the babies so early and then the untimely death of our eldest child and the lack of adult time is what ultimately drove us apart. I'm still wondering what in the world happened. I have been on this rollercoaster ride of emotion for far to long and today things got even worse.
My son is in all kind of special services due to the fact of him being born so early. Both his father and I took him to his play date and it finally hit me square in the face how far behind he truly is. Don't get me wrong it is a miracle that he is alive and breathing and doing what he can do but seeing what he can't do but should be doing makes me feel like a failure as a parent somehow. I feel completely alone with this and the one person that should understand sometimes acts like he is in denial about the whole situation. I need to find a job so I can financially support myself and my son but the last few months that I have left his developmental care in the hands of his father our son has fallen farther behind.
I am so conflicted as to which direction to go I know I can't do this alone but I feel like I have no choice. I chose to write this blog because I sat down and evaluated myself yesterday even before today's events. Everytime I get sad I grab some chocolate whenever I get angry I run to the fridge when I'm bored I grab some chips and the list goes on and on. I am an extreme emotional eater and the last few days I have done a number on myself and have not exercised at all minus something here and there.
I do know one thing I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being in this funk. I'm tired of pretending like everything in my life is okay. What I do know is I need an intervention before I get completely swept up in this sea of sadness.
On a happy note my Chalean Extreme was waiting on my bed when I got home. I don't know if this is part of the sign I have been praying for or what. I do know that exercise releases endorphins which make you happier so maybe Chalean is part of my much needed intervention.
So my mission is to take one day at a time and dig myself out of this whole I have placed myself in. I know God won't place more on me than I can bare. So I'm going to pray some more ask God for strength and guidance.
Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers.