Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I watch the Biggest Loser every week. Most weeks I cry. And this is for a few seasons now. I watch and cry because I see me in all of them. Watching Shay get voted off tonight made me so sad. I listened to her and knew that the way she felt was how I feel...except she is CHANGING her life. I am not. I led my Biggest Loser challenge this fall with a goal of losing 25lbs. After our final weigh in tomorrow, I will be lucky if I lost 5-6lbs over the 10 week challenge. I imagine that I should be happy with that loss. But I know I dont give it my all. I know I am sad and depressed when I make bad choices. I know I want to scream at myself every time I allow myself to do the exact opposite of what I should be doing. I know what to do. I know how to do it. I am at a loss for why it is sooo damn hard to force myself to just do it. I mean seriously, WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE? WHY IS IT SO HARD???? I watch my friends on here reach goals and I cheer them on. And I am so proud when I see people making the changes in their life. And then I get so...it isnt jealous I guess...I just wish it was me. I wish I would reach that place where it all comes together. I wish I had what Danny on the Biggest Loser had. He talked this week and last week about just feeling like he is on fire. He is on it and is not letting it go. He is feeling life again. He is living life again. He has his life again. I want that soo bad. I really really do. I am not happy. I am not comfortable. I am not content. I am miserable in my own skin and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my ass in gear and get myself to the next level. SO frustrating... I dont know. I will just keep on going.