My Meltdown- Countdown

DARKANGELKISS88's Blog

View DARKANGELKISS88's Sparkpage

View All Blog Entries from DARKANGELKISS88

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Ok so I'll admit it..... I'm about to have a melt down, and I'm not liking it.
A year ago I was very depressed and down on myself. Always hiding and it was not the prettiest sight. Well, somedays I feel like that and I do snap out of it, but it's getting harder to do lately. I'm not sure what's causing it, or if I'm trying to lie to myself about it.

For one my mother is driving me insane. I feel trapped and it only gets worse because my sister doesn't understand. I've been caring for my mother since I was 12 and started working. 9 years later I'm still doing the same thing. 24/7 I have to take care of her and I feel like I'm evil. Why am I evil? Because I wish it would all disappear. Just wake up one day with amnesia and never have to deal with it again. I'll admit she was a good mother and the least I could do is take care of her, but I'm tired of it just being about her. I want my own life and dreams!

It doesn't help that my sister ignores the whole issue. She provides for the expenses (right now) but never deals with my mother. I on the other hand have to deal with both of them.

They start a fight... I get in the middle.... They both scream at me.... I get irritated they both stop and forget it.... I end up annoyed and with nowhere to vent.

Now, I'm also stressed because I have so much going on and so little of me to do it. I end up never having any fun and then another day comes and goes.

I try to reason and say I'm the adult and I should just suck it up but how can I when I never got the chance to be a child? I know all these questions are silly and rhetorical because I could just leave. Walk out the door and run, but.... As I look at the door I see the past behind me, all my memories, my family, and ultimately my life. I can't do it. I know the role that is expected of me as the youngest child of the two but in the end it's all the same....

So here's what is going through my mind.

I walk and exercise, but it no longer motivates me and some days I have to force myself to do it.
I've been shopping way too much just to keep the motivation going with new clothes.
My will power against food is fading.
My depression is trying to sneak up on me.
I've found myself crying at random times.

So,...

I'm counting the days to my meltdown and have no idea how to stop it anymore.

Report Inappropriate Blog

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CWAZYONE 11/12/2009 4:54AM

*HUGS* Your sister needs to realize that it's great she is helping with the $ but she also needs to help in the care taking, because it's wearing you down...physically and emotionally...try and explain that to her (i'm sure easier said then done right?) You are still there with your mom, because you are an awesome daughter, and amazing person!!! Remember that!!!

Maybe try doing a different exercise for a few weeks to peek your interests back up?
and try and avoid shopping for the same reason?
for the food...think of where you have come from...look at your pictures and ask yourself if you want to go back to that old girl or not? chew gum (if you can) to avoid the cravings or wanting to eat when you know you shouldn't.

I can't remember if we've ever talked on here b4...i stopped using sp for a while and forgot a lot (oooops, sorry) but I'm totally here for you if you want to talk, sparkmail me if you do.

*hugs* hang in there hun!!!
-Laura

KEEPITMOVING 11/9/2009 1:03PM

i'm sorry you're having such a rough time now, pixie.

CIRRATX 11/9/2009 11:00AM

Hon, I can understand this to a certain extent although mine started much later in life. If you want to vent or just talk give me a call, you have the number and I'm available most any time. About the only time I won't answer a call is if I'm in a meeting. I work on projects mostly by myself so don't worry about interrupting me during the day. If I'm in a meeting I'll call back as soon as it's done (I don't have many meetings!).

CATHY2CI 11/8/2009 6:49AM

I am so sorry you are feeling so over whelmed by what is happening in your life.

You are doing a great thing, in taking care of someone you love...
BUT....

If you do not find a way to recharge your batteries, so to speak, you will have some kind of break/shut down.
As strong as you are, you can only take so much.
Nobody is supposed to do anything alone in this life, and that means you too...

Follow the advice other people have given you...get involved with hospice...and if your mother went to church, they may have a system where some of the congregation will come in and help you too...you just have to reach out, and see what is available to you....you need some time for you, or you will start to feel so constricted...and that is just not what you, or your mother needs.

You deserve to feel proud of what you are doing...and honoured that you have the opportunity....and you will get back to there, once you have hope of getting a break.

Please, continue to reach out....look into what kinds of resources there are available...then, use them, ok?

good luck, and keep us posted about how you are feeling...

hugs and love,
Cathy

BLAQUELORELEI 11/7/2009 10:26PM

My first comment is you are strong enough to do this. How do I know this? Because you are doing it. Second, it is not uncommon for caregivers to feel overwhelmed, depressed, angry, guilty, put upon, the whole gambit of emotions you are describing. There are support groups for you. If you are unable to find one, you can contact a hospice near you and the should be able to give you suggestions. Wishing you the best.

CASSIEH20 11/7/2009 9:30AM

I'm so sorry to hear about all this. On the side of practical advice, if your sister is footing the bill, maybe it's time you got a paid vacation. Also, there are support groups for caregivers. You're very young, and might be the youngest one in the group, but it sounds like you need to talk to people who understand your situation. They might also have ideas for local resources that could help ease the burden. Now from the other side: as a fiercely independent person who had to suddenly be cared for for 5 years, I can tell you it's a scary, humiliating process. But it sounds like you already empathize with your mom's position; you just want a break!

RENA1965 11/7/2009 9:20AM

Of course your sister won't understand, she ain't doing the job your doing 24-7.. Ask your sister to take your mother occassionally so you can have a little rest for a while. A breathing space is what you need. If she doesn't perhaps you may have to think about a resthome and hit sister dear up for some of the money if she doesn't want to help do her share.
I work as a traveling resthome helper, caring for a elderly relative is hard work. You need your space not to go under, this a "family problem" not just something that rests on your shoulders. Many people don't have the mental strength to care for a parent that needs help around the clock and no one person can do this job without cracking. I meet families whom crack daily because it, ask for help..

Comment edited on: 11/7/2009 9:22:33 AM