Friday, November 06, 2009
Kind of in a weird space. Not sure I should be blogging all of this but I need to go somewhere with all these feelings.
As many of you know my best friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Still going through tests, needs an MRI and then a lumpectomy with 6 wks readiation. That is the best case scenario.
My co-workers partner has been battling bone cancer for almost a year now. She has had breast cancer twice and is now all over her bones. Just talked with my co=worker and they had an appt to get current results on the CT scan....it's spread and her last ditch effort was to have chemo.....she's had 3 rounds of radiation and can't have anymore. She's on massive morphine and vicodin.
I know that I'm personally not going through these events but they are both so so close to me....I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control. My food is whacked....been binging.....which of course is so hurtful emotionally and physically....I feel like ill from it...I know you all can comprehend. I have to say it though....can't hide behind the food anymore.
I need to get control......What happened to the last two months? Heck what happened to the last 10 months????
So in the state I'm in......as I cry as I'm writing this.....I will yet again begin again....I have too....I know I need to be strong for both of these dear women in my life.....
I have had so many people with cancer in my life that have died. I feel that my best friend will be fine....is it still shocking....yes! I know that my co-workers partner is in her process of dying....and yes that's devastating......
I need to get control of my food because I know this shall we say journey is going to get rougher and harder and I can't continue to hurt myself as I go through it with these wonderful people in my life. They are the ones going through the cancer.....I need to control my compulsive eating and handle myself.
I know this is intense but I just needed to write about it.....I don't know where to go with these feelings.....it's just so so sad............just so sad...........
Tomorrow is Saturday November 7, 2009. It will be a new day.....I need to be strong......I need to not use food to medicate......I need to "feel" the scary, sad feelings that areinside of me instead of "stuffing" them with food. Tomorrow is a new day......I'm trying again.