Wednesday, November 04, 2009
i dont really feel like i can talk about this kind of thing with most people. i feel like a lot of people that are around me are probably sick of hearing me talk about myself... so what a great place to talk about myself and my weight loss than on my own personal weight loss page! : )
i've been big my whole life... i was a 10 lb baby... i weighed 100 lbs by 2nd grade, maybe even more than that... after around 2nd/3rd grade i have no clue what my weight was because i refused to be weighed, and i never weighed myself... i was scared of what numbers would be facing me. i wore men's size 38 pants in the 8th grade... i was around 26/28 my senior year of high school... i was bigger than that in college... im not sure exactly how big i was at my biggest... because i started having gall bladder problems which caused me to start thinking about what i was eating and changing small things, not to lose weight, but to ease my gall bladder pains. so i lost a bit of weight and when i finally gained the courage to weigh myself i was at 323. wow. big number. huge number...
so, i eventually had to have my gall bladder removed. the surgeon told me that it was because i was overweight, and that it would be trouble to do the surgery on me even, because of my excess weight... he said i should lose some before the surgery... i think i lost around 10 lbs. i had it removed in february and May 19th of 2007 i decided to go on a diet.
i didnt have any clue what i was doing and so i decided i was going to eat lean cuisine meals instead of real meals and that would be easy and pre-portioned and i would be good to go. so, i would eat a fiber bar for breakfast, a lean cuisine meal for lunch, 1 for dinner and that was all i ate... in 2 months i had lost 50 lbs. (at this point i was in a size 22)
i then went on vacation with my sister, i didnt have my packaged meals and so i just ate what i wanted to eat and i didnt worry about anything else. we were walking a lot so maybe it evened itself out, but it didnt even itself out when i got back from vacation and started eating bad again. it wasnt as bad as i had been before but it was bad nonetheless.
ok, so fast forward to january of 2008, i moved out of my parents house, moved to a bigger city with a new roommate who knew how to eat and cook healthy. i watched her, she encouraged me and i started to feel guilty about eating a lot, eating bad, eating fast food, etc. so i stopped drinking soda heavily, stopped my fast food addiction and tried to start eating a bit healthier. she didnt want unhealthy things in her kitchen and so buying more healthy things obviously made me eat healthier things. i had to go out of my way to eat bad things and that made it easier for me to be better : )
lent of 2008 i decided to become a vegetarian. my fast food options were cut... my unhealthy options were cut... my desire to be healthier in what i allow into my body was activated.
another fast forward... i started attending community college. one of my requirements was to take a wellness class which is 1/2 health class and 1/2 p.e. i was scared. i knew i would be weighed, i knew i would have to be active... i knew i would have to exercise in front of other people. they would see how terrible i have let myself go. they will see how much i do not care about myself.
the first day of class i weighed in at 260 lbs. not what i wanted... but also not as bad as i could have been. my teacher saved my life. she somehow instilled in me the desire to care about myself. and to open my eyes to what it is thats going into my body. what this food that im choosing to eat blindly is actually made of. she showed us videos and lectured on healthy food and unhealthy food. she encouraged me to go for it, without ever looking at me with pity. if you've been overweight your whole life you understand where i am coming from. you know when youre fat and youre forced to play a sport and the "fit" people look at you with those eyes of pity and maybe they even applaud you for trying... when youre just standing there barely moving because your fat ass can barely move anyways.... yeah well she didnt ever look at me like that. on the first day of class i could not do 1 sit up. not one. and she didnt care... she just encouraged me to do what i liked to do, and to be healthy while doing it.
so i did just that. i started actually thinking about what i was eating. i started researching healthy choices, i started opening my eyes to the travesties of the food system in america. i started saying no to things that i wanted, because they are things that are just hurting me. i have the hanging skin to prove how hurtful those things were to me. i am not yet to my goal... i have 9 more lbs to lose before i can officially say that i have met my goal. but here i stand... 9 lbs away from being considered in my healthy weight range. 9 lbs away from being "normal"... 9 lbs away from not being the fat chick... no longer fat bastard, no longer thunder thighs, no longer sasquatch... fat, big, ugly, unhealthy, plus size, overweight, obese, morbidly obese...
now: strong, healthy, happy, excited, full of energy, optimistic, confident...