why does it hurt so much

ALBA06's Blog

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

i know i am caught in a downward cycle and i am trying to stop it, but the pain is so deep and it hurts so much i cower in its light. i have been trying my whole life to stop the pain and fear of anxiety and depression and here i am still at it and still desperate to make it stop. i know little tricks to stop a bad cycle when it gets to be unbearable but i don't know how to spend the pain and make it stop forever. i did nothing in my life to deserve it, i was the victim an abused child by both of my parents and others and yet still i love my parents and mourn their deaths. why do i suffer so much when i just want to live a simple and quiet life. i fear the world around me afraid i am going to get attacked from the grave almost. i isolate myself from the world and then fear the loneliness. i am so messed up and hurt so badly i don't know how i manage from moment to moment. i want a life and when i make an effort to reach for one the depression hits hard and i falter. i feel like such a real loser and wonder why i bother to keep living.

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KJENKS85 11/4/2009 7:37AM

(you may want to read my comment on 11/4 first) When things were at their darkest points in my family, my dad had a saying: "This too shall pass." You are aware of your downward cycle. When you feel it coming on, hold your head up and say "this too shall pass." You can absolutely beat this depression and start living your life! I believe in you 1,000%!

MEGKRAMER 11/3/2009 1:26PM

As the other posters said; you need to talk to someone. In high school I lost 3 friends within 6 month, 1 friend in college and 1 friend post grad. Then, the sudden death of my brother put me over the edge. I suffered from severe anxiety and depression. No amount of talking with friends and family helped at all when I was in that place. I had a friend who, about a year and a half before my brother passed, was in a severe car accident with her boyfriend. He died minutes later and she suffered with terrible anxiety and depression as well. She found, through the help of her primary care physician, a grief counselor. She recommended that I do the same. I saw a psychiatrist who specialized in grief and probably owe her my life. There are people who can give you tools to help you manage your feelings. That sounds like something that you really need. There are counselors that specialize in helping victims of all different kinds of mental anguish. You need to know that there is people out there who are trained to help you. Also, my sister in law (my late brother's wife) went to 3 different therapists before she found the right fit for her specific needs. She found someone with whom she was completely comfortable and that she trusted, so remember, that if you seek help and don't click with the first person you meet with go somewhere else.
You deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that. Out loud until you believe it. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!!
But, the first step is up to you.

"Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!" - I Peter 1:6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5,6

RLMCCUE 11/3/2009 9:30AM

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. I want to let you know that you're not alone, I've been at that dark place myself, and believe me when I tell you that you don't have to stay there, you can reach the light.

I agree with the others that you need to get help as soon as possible. Talk therapy can work wonders and can help with your feelings of grief over the loss of your parents and work through the emotions about the abuse you suffered.

I don't know if you're on medication right now, but I would definitely suggest you talk to a psychiatrist. Finally finding the right combination of medicines is what saved me, I can't believe how far I've progressed since starting a new regimen.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you follow everyone's advice. Good luck and be good to yourself.

Rebecca

STOPTHECRAVING 11/3/2009 7:46AM

I agree with the other posters--get some help. Talk therapy saved me! I know others who got on meds and that saved them! You can do this! You are never alone. You are always loved. You are worthy. You are unique. You are beautiful. You are forgiven for feeling this way. You can forgive yourself and you can forgive others for the pain they caused. Forgiveness has such power. I know the weight you feel and the road seems so long and never ending. But, I swear to you there is relief. This battle is not one you have to fight alone. You can do this! Hugs and love, Jenn

HUNIBABIDOLL 11/3/2009 6:48AM

You don't have to go through this alone and you shouldn't! Everyone deserves the opportunity to live a peaceful, fulfilling life. Be good to yourself and find someone who can help you get through the pain and learn how to let it go so you are free to get on with your life.

Don't give up... this is something you can do! There are so many people here who care... so keep sharing and others will be there for you.

ASTORRES1 11/3/2009 6:28AM

You need to get help......either contact your primary care physician or your gyne doctor....but you need something more than yourself can provide. It is okay to ask for help.

Let me know how it goes.

SPfriend
amy

SEEKINGMYSELF 11/3/2009 6:12AM

You need to talk to someone fast. Do you have a counselor or a friend you can talk to? I know things can get really bad - I have been there myself. But life is worth living! I see you have six sons - surely they are worth living for. In my darkest times, the only thing that keep me from giving up completely was the thought of my children. I am so happy I stayed around to see how they turned out and I am looking forward to what the future brings.

Hang in there! Keep coming back and keep posting. There are lots of people here who care.

Debbie