Saturday, October 31, 2009
The psychology of being fat is amazing. It does a number on you. And it doesn't melt away with the pounds. So I'm learning.
At twenty-one, I began moving up from a comfortable size 13/14 (195ish) to a size 20 (267 at the top) over the course of ten years. Two and a half years ago, I started loosing.
The first time I really thought about this psychological thing was about a year and a half ago when my gas gauge floated one day and I ran out of gas. Right in front of a gas station. A nice young man offered to push my (small) car up to the pump, and as I began to help him, he smiled and said 'get in and steer'.
My immediate reaction was to panic, he was going to think the car was so heavy because I was fat and sitting inside! I wore about a size 13/14 again by that point...not fat. Still a bit heavy, but not like someone would look at me and think that I was obese. But I worried that my weight was the only thing on his mind. Like someone would even notice a 50lb diference anyway when pushing a 4000lb CAR? How ridiculous.
I put on size ten pants on Friday. Wore them to work. I've lost 70lbs. My goal is to be a size six. I have 31lbs to go (maybe less, I've never been a 6 so I'm estimating). I have lost TWENTY-SIX PERCENT of my starting body weight. I wear a bikini to the beach (and get hit on!). I am not as fit as I want to be, but I am not fat.
But I feel like a fat person. A fat person who can wear smaller clothes.
I walk around looking at women, women that are built like me but thin, and I REALLY want to ask some of them what size they wear. My brain is confused about what different sizes look like.
When will my brain realize that I am 'normal' sized now? Not as thin as I want to be, and I have a bunch of loose skin that needs more time to rebound, and stretch marks that will be with me forever, but...
It gives me an understanding more for people who have eating disorders, isn't one aspect where they look in the mirror and the image is distorted?
My image is distorted. Maybe it is like the loose skin...what is underneath has changed so much and so rapidly, it simply needs time and work to adapt itself to the new shape...