Monday, October 26, 2009
I am really struggling with getting back on track....I do well for 2 or 3 days, then fall off again....then get back in the groove. I KNOW I can do this, so it's really frustrating that I keep losing my focus and blowing it off. Meantime, I've gained back about 15 pounds....
I know, that I know, that I know that when I got down to my lowest weight I was dealing with a lot of inner discomfort about the attention I was getting from friendly people who always made remarks about my body when I saw them. I know they were happy for me and my success, and wanted to be supportive. But there's something deep inside me that DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE LOOKING AT MY BODY. Wonder if anyone else has that issue?
I also kept receiving comments that disturbed me == they would say, "if you lose much more weight, you'll disappear!" or "it's the vanishing woman!" or "there's just not much of you left!" These are NOT things I want to have happen. I want to be PRESENT. I want to be honored and respected for being a valuable presence. It would be different if they said things like, "you've been taking very good care of yourself!" or "you're looking healthy!" But no, I never heard that. Urgh.
Anyway, I have to get over this. I have to let go of what people say out of kind ignorance, and just worry about how I feel, inside and out. It's my body, and all that really matters is my own opinion and healthy feelings.
And, of course, now that I've gained some weight back, the comments have stopped. Which is kind of nice...but also makes me feel bad. It's so weird -- this is not just a personal issue -- it's a very social and public issue. No one seems to talk about that.
If you've read this, I'd be very interested to know, what's your experience? Is it just me?
Here's to a healthy week.