Monday, October 26, 2009
As I was reading posts on one my threads today, I realized that maybe I am suffering some depression. I'm not doing things that I normally would do when I am feeling well. I haven't been crying the last couple of weeks and that is why I didn't connect what was happening to depression. For those that don't know me, I am disabled by bipolar disorder. So this is not your mere garden variety blues. This is more insidious. There are many things when taken individually seem minor but when taken in combination signal a major warning sign.
I thought I had been handling the whole deal of leaving the Humane Society a couple of weeks ago fairly well lately. Maybe I am not handling it as well as I thought. That was the start of not doing what I normally do to manage my weight loss program.
I have kept my food diaries faithfully on paper if not in my Palm or iPhone everyday without missing a day since December, 2005. The last week, it has been a real chore. I haven't even entered what I ate last night. Let alone, what I ate today yet. The farther away from when I ate the more likely that what I record will be inaccurate.
Another sign may be that I have not been posting faithfully on the sites I use for support for my weight loss program, Spark People and Richard Simmons Clubhouse. It seems so difficult right now. I get overwhelmed by all the reading I need to do to just catch up. I know most people on those sites would tell me to not worry about catching up and just post. But I feel so guilty not personalizing my posts. On Richard Simmons site, I haven't read his daily message or Richardgrams in weeks. I used to do that faithfully and would even go back into the archives to read the messages and Richardgrams that I missed while on vacation.
I really used the Spark People site faithfully since joining in August. Looking at my Spark Streaks, the changes are obvious. I logged in to the site everyday since joining, 73 straight days, missing for the first time on Oct. 23 and 24. I really was focused on getting as many Spark Points as possible. The last couple of weeks, I don't really care how many Spark Points I get. The last couple of weeks, all I was doing was spinning the login wheel, answering the trivia questions, recording my food and exercise. I was not reading the articles like I had been doing. With the trivia questions, I usually was in the upper 80% range and in the top 20 people for the month. Needless to say I didn't do those on the days I didn't log into the site. Today when I finally tried to answer them. It took 9 questions to get my 3 daily trivia questions right, 33%, the worst I have ever done. I drank 8 cups of water for 30 straight days ending on Oct. 10. Now it is sporadic whether I get them in or not. In fact, I have had the water in my glass to make it 8 glasses for the day and dumped it into the sink rather than drinking it because I just don't feel like drinking it. At the same time, I stopped tracking how much sleep I was getting. In the last 2 weeks, I have only wrote in my journal 3 times and those were very brief.
Lately, I have been only exercising for 20 minutes one day a week which is usually walking slowly. I'm starting to think that maybe I am using the herniated disk in my back as an excuse not to exercise. I have even been in the parking lot of the YMCA, got out of the car, decided that I shouldn't exercise because I may get hurt or hurt more later, got back in the car and went home without exercising. I don't think the pain is as bad as I want people to believe. I am supposed to be going for an epidural injection into the disk in a week but I am not sure it is bad enough to really be having that done. I may not even be able to tell the difference. I've even considered canceling the appointment. Or is the pain not that bad because I am not exercising like I was? Prior to injuring my back, I would spend an hour or two at the YMCA exercising or I would spend at least 30 minutes walking, doing the elliptical or an exercise video at home. I did some form of exercise every single day.
Another thing that is weighing on my mind heavily is the change in my health insurance starting in January. The company I retired from decided to stop offering health insurance to me and wants me to fully be on Medicare since I am disabled. I don't know if the medical insurance will be better or worse than what I currently have. I also don't know how well it will cover my mental health since Medicare's mental health coverage is not as good as its medical coverage. One thing I do know is that my therapist who I've been with for almost 8 years is not covered by Medicare at all due to her degree. That means that I will need to switch to a different therapist. If I get good enough mental health coverage, I may be able to attend a therapy group which is run by both my therapist and a therapist covered by Medicare. The group would be billed through the therapist that is covered.
Tuesday, when I have my therapy appointment, I may need to discuss what I have mentioned in this blog. Maybe together we can develop an action plan to help me overcome this depression and get back on track with my weight loss program.